You'd see the surprise on my face... if I could move it...

Americans are completely obsessed with the superficial. This obsession has made billions and billions of dollars for those in the cosmetic, fashion, and plastic surgery industries. And it assures that new methods of faking the fountain of youth will always pop up. Fake methods such as Joan Rivers' favorite, Botox.


How's this for a trade off? Let's look younger and eliminate wrinkles by paralyzing facial muscles with botulism. Yes, the same food-borne illness that can kill people. (Some places report that less than 1 microgram can be fatal to humans.) It causes muscle spasms or a complete ceasing of muscle function. But, if it makes that 60 year old look 5 years younger, a little death is worth it, right? Never mind that it can get into muscular systems that control things like... say, breathing and kill you almost instantly. But who cares about breathing as long as you can take a pretty picture?

I'm not sure what too so damn long, but the FDA finally released a statement saying that injecting your grill with botulism might be dangerous. Really? Are you sure? How long until someone suggests that polio might be a good thing to inject to get rid of those bags under your eyes? Or that Smallpox would be a great way to relieve those acne breakouts? I can see it now: Girls getting ready for the prom will have the following to-do lists:
1.) Find a dress
2.) Find a date
3.) Get Roger Clemens' former trainer to shoot me up with some Polio in my face.
4.) Get my hair did
5.) Dance the night away.

Why botulism? Its full name is Botulinum toxin. IT FREAKIN' SAYS TOXIN RIGHT IN THE NAME! In Latin, it means "Sausage toxin". Is there anyone outside of Wisconsin, or maybe Germany, who believes that sausage is the key to beauty?

I think the bigger issue is the false advertising that goes on with these industries. I compare it to taking a moldy loaf of bread, spray painting the green spores to look like crust, and throwing it in a brand new bag on the grocery shelf. It looks fantastic, but its not any newer on the inside. What happened to aging with grace? Don't people realize that after 50 that you're SUPPOSED to have wrinkles and a little touch of grey? And that you're not supposed to be chock full of neurotoxins and diseases?

Now, all this being said, I'm sure there are practical uses for Botox, but only in severe cases. (And I'm not talking about severely ugly people either.) Like people who have seriously involuntary movement. Upon doing some research, Botox is used to help people with "anal fissures", which would really make me want to use the same stuff that is used on asses in my face.

WAIT! That explains it all! Maybe the people using the Botox are getting it in their faces because they have anal fissures from having their heads in their asses... So their faces are like the applicators...

Lessons from Fine Dining

I got to spend some time with my wife tonight. So, to maximize the evening, we decided to partake in some fine western Pennsylvania dining.

So we went to Applebees.

Saturday in Meadville means one of two things: People want to go out to eat at Applebees, or people want to go out to eat at Steak and Shake. (which was recently built just next to Applebees. Despite a great turnout from the residents of our fair... city-type thing, (whatever Meadville is classified as...), the wait was a mere 30 minutes.

30 minutes is a lot of time to think about what you're going to choose off of Applebees' menu. Do you go with Riblets? Perhaps you'd like to build your own combo. You can try a fantastically mediocre sirloin steak. Or a mediocre burger. Or some mediocre asian dish. It's all up to you. And as long as you'll take an average outcome, you won't be disappointed.

So Kate and I finally get a table, and enjoy the brisk draft coming from the lobby, where more and more people are walking to the hostess stand and getting pissy over a 30 minute wait to be seated. (I'm talking about some grown people stomping feet and making noises like 5 year olds because they can't eat RIGHT NOW.) I browse the menu, shrugging off the cold, and considered ordering a $9.99 combo meal. Pick an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert shot for $10. But that's a lot of food, and I've seen how you all address my stomach like its a 3rd person in the conversation. (Thanks for that, by the way, jerks.)

I flip to the "health conscious" section of the menu, marked by a change in the header color to the ever-healthy light blue indicator. I actually found something worth eating: Teriyaki Steak and Shrimp Skewers. (Also the hardest thing to say after a few beers.)

So after all that crap I just put you through, here's what I learned tonight: When at Applebee's, be aware of this combination... Steak and Shrimp Skewers + Weight Watchers = 2 pounds of Broccoli on your plate. I'm not kidding. I got 1 skewer with 5 shrimp on it, a small skewer with 6 steak cubes, a pile of rice pilaf, a thimble of teriyaki sauce, and a metric shit-ton of broccoli. There were no less than 25 florets on my plate. I hadn't eaten that much broccoli in the past decade... and there it was on my plate.

I was starting to believe that they brought out the wrong dish. Maybe someone ordered the never-ending steamed greens platter with a side of protein. But the mini-trees go surprisingly well with a Brutus glass of Yeung-Ling.

All in all, I'd say I got my $10 worth of vegetables. For the record, I didn't box up my leftovers. But, I know that if I wanted to, I could have a lucrative career in competitive broccoli eating. I guess its always good to have something to fall back on...