Taco Flavored Politics...

So, everyone is obsessed with the political happenings right now. It's not uncommon for my day to be going along its routine, and to have a political topic just pop in my head. (Maybe some of it is comprised of leftovers of my college days when I majored in political science...)

After a long day of work, I came home and had a craving for something with a southwestern/mexican flair. After raiding the pantry, I found a Mexican meal-in-a-box, which gleefully proclaimed that it involved 3 easy steps. How can you argue with easy Mexican food after a long day at work? Easy. You can't. (I guess I could've driven to Taco Bell too, but whatever.)

So I gather the materials as requested by my box-o-mexicana, and prepare to follow the easy steps to making my layered taco masterpiece. All of a sudden... BAM! Politics! I'm suddenly thinking about the Middle East peace process. And then it occurred to me... the bastards who make my tacos should be the ones to solve the world's problems.

Just think about it: 3 easy steps to Middle East peace. Amazing. Why make it difficult?

So I read on as I dreamed of Jews and Palestinians hugging in the streets. Easy step #1: Brown the meat, drain, and add 1 cup of water and seasoning packet. Stir constantly until most of the water is absorbed.

Hold on you Old El Passholes: That's not step 1. That's like 6 steps in one. What kind of BS are you pulling here?

Step 2: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Layer a 9" pie pan with tortillas, and then 1/2 cup of meat mixture, alternating tortillas and meat mixture. Top with Cheese sauce.

What the hell guys? You said this was easy! Sure, the cheese is squeezable, but now I have to balance these freakin' tortillas on uneven piles of taco meat. That's not easy. It's like playing meat Topple. Or meat Jenga.

Step 3: Bake in oven for 15 minutes. Layer with toppings.

What toppings? Where the hell are these toppings coming from? Lettuce? I didn't see that crap in the original requirements! Salsa? You mean you couldn't include that in the package I just opened?

Then I realized: The people that made my tacos ARE the people running the planet.

Step 1: Make the Jews and Palestinians stop fighting.
Step 2: Give everyone who wants their own land a piece of land somewhere
Step 3: Profit!

Damnit.

I ate my tilting taco layer shitstorm. It didn't look anything like the one on the box and was even less satisfying than I had hoped. Politics ruin everything.

I immediately felt sick afterwards. And wouldn't you know it! BAM! Thoughts in my head about US border policies.

Why can't the elections be over already?

New Year's Stuporstitions

I'm not a superstitious person. I don't believe in breaking mothers' backs by stepping on cracks, tossing salt over your shoulder, or harm with black felines crossing my path. There are people in my family, (MOM), that are proponents of these kinds of things, and some of them happen to be season specific. Recently, I was told that on New Years' Day that it was MANDATORY that I eat pork for dinner. Pork, as you know, ALWAYS brings good luck, all year, to those that eat it on New Year's Day. But for those poor bastards that eat chicken... well, they'll be "scratching" for money all year long. (Because chickens scratch... you know.) Along with that, I've also heard the following:

-When you leave your house for the first time in a New Year, you have to re-enter the house in a completely different door. This assures that "Good Luck" will be trapped in your home for an entire year! (Because everyone knows that good luck starts to get funky after 365 days, and then needs to be replaced. I replace the good luck at the same time I do the box of Baking Soda in my fridge.)

-On New Year's Day, you can't remove anything from your house, so garbage cannot be taken out. (Not like any sanitation engineers will be working that day!) If anything leaves your house, you will spend the entire year giving instead of getting.

So, I believe its all a bunch of crap. But here are some tried and true REAL SUPERSTITIONS! (Well, from my experience...)

I've found that through some magical power that if I watch all the NCAA Football bowl games on New Year's Day, that I'm much better the next day at work when it comes to discussing those games around the water cooler! It's like the conversations become that much better!

Also, I've found that if you give your wife your credit card and tell her to "go wild", you'll spend the entire New Year making credit card payments. Unbelievable!

Finally, I've found that if I celebrate New Year's Eve by drinking a few bottles of champagne, I'll always spend the first day of the year with a really, really bad headache and little desire to eat. (Weird, isn't it?)

So knock on wood and try those 3 out! I bet the outcomes will only work on New Year's Day! Because that's how these unexplained, non-scientifically based things work!