You'd see the surprise on my face... if I could move it...

Americans are completely obsessed with the superficial. This obsession has made billions and billions of dollars for those in the cosmetic, fashion, and plastic surgery industries. And it assures that new methods of faking the fountain of youth will always pop up. Fake methods such as Joan Rivers' favorite, Botox.


How's this for a trade off? Let's look younger and eliminate wrinkles by paralyzing facial muscles with botulism. Yes, the same food-borne illness that can kill people. (Some places report that less than 1 microgram can be fatal to humans.) It causes muscle spasms or a complete ceasing of muscle function. But, if it makes that 60 year old look 5 years younger, a little death is worth it, right? Never mind that it can get into muscular systems that control things like... say, breathing and kill you almost instantly. But who cares about breathing as long as you can take a pretty picture?

I'm not sure what too so damn long, but the FDA finally released a statement saying that injecting your grill with botulism might be dangerous. Really? Are you sure? How long until someone suggests that polio might be a good thing to inject to get rid of those bags under your eyes? Or that Smallpox would be a great way to relieve those acne breakouts? I can see it now: Girls getting ready for the prom will have the following to-do lists:
1.) Find a dress
2.) Find a date
3.) Get Roger Clemens' former trainer to shoot me up with some Polio in my face.
4.) Get my hair did
5.) Dance the night away.

Why botulism? Its full name is Botulinum toxin. IT FREAKIN' SAYS TOXIN RIGHT IN THE NAME! In Latin, it means "Sausage toxin". Is there anyone outside of Wisconsin, or maybe Germany, who believes that sausage is the key to beauty?

I think the bigger issue is the false advertising that goes on with these industries. I compare it to taking a moldy loaf of bread, spray painting the green spores to look like crust, and throwing it in a brand new bag on the grocery shelf. It looks fantastic, but its not any newer on the inside. What happened to aging with grace? Don't people realize that after 50 that you're SUPPOSED to have wrinkles and a little touch of grey? And that you're not supposed to be chock full of neurotoxins and diseases?

Now, all this being said, I'm sure there are practical uses for Botox, but only in severe cases. (And I'm not talking about severely ugly people either.) Like people who have seriously involuntary movement. Upon doing some research, Botox is used to help people with "anal fissures", which would really make me want to use the same stuff that is used on asses in my face.

WAIT! That explains it all! Maybe the people using the Botox are getting it in their faces because they have anal fissures from having their heads in their asses... So their faces are like the applicators...

Lessons from Fine Dining

I got to spend some time with my wife tonight. So, to maximize the evening, we decided to partake in some fine western Pennsylvania dining.

So we went to Applebees.

Saturday in Meadville means one of two things: People want to go out to eat at Applebees, or people want to go out to eat at Steak and Shake. (which was recently built just next to Applebees. Despite a great turnout from the residents of our fair... city-type thing, (whatever Meadville is classified as...), the wait was a mere 30 minutes.

30 minutes is a lot of time to think about what you're going to choose off of Applebees' menu. Do you go with Riblets? Perhaps you'd like to build your own combo. You can try a fantastically mediocre sirloin steak. Or a mediocre burger. Or some mediocre asian dish. It's all up to you. And as long as you'll take an average outcome, you won't be disappointed.

So Kate and I finally get a table, and enjoy the brisk draft coming from the lobby, where more and more people are walking to the hostess stand and getting pissy over a 30 minute wait to be seated. (I'm talking about some grown people stomping feet and making noises like 5 year olds because they can't eat RIGHT NOW.) I browse the menu, shrugging off the cold, and considered ordering a $9.99 combo meal. Pick an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert shot for $10. But that's a lot of food, and I've seen how you all address my stomach like its a 3rd person in the conversation. (Thanks for that, by the way, jerks.)

I flip to the "health conscious" section of the menu, marked by a change in the header color to the ever-healthy light blue indicator. I actually found something worth eating: Teriyaki Steak and Shrimp Skewers. (Also the hardest thing to say after a few beers.)

So after all that crap I just put you through, here's what I learned tonight: When at Applebee's, be aware of this combination... Steak and Shrimp Skewers + Weight Watchers = 2 pounds of Broccoli on your plate. I'm not kidding. I got 1 skewer with 5 shrimp on it, a small skewer with 6 steak cubes, a pile of rice pilaf, a thimble of teriyaki sauce, and a metric shit-ton of broccoli. There were no less than 25 florets on my plate. I hadn't eaten that much broccoli in the past decade... and there it was on my plate.

I was starting to believe that they brought out the wrong dish. Maybe someone ordered the never-ending steamed greens platter with a side of protein. But the mini-trees go surprisingly well with a Brutus glass of Yeung-Ling.

All in all, I'd say I got my $10 worth of vegetables. For the record, I didn't box up my leftovers. But, I know that if I wanted to, I could have a lucrative career in competitive broccoli eating. I guess its always good to have something to fall back on...

Taco Flavored Politics...

So, everyone is obsessed with the political happenings right now. It's not uncommon for my day to be going along its routine, and to have a political topic just pop in my head. (Maybe some of it is comprised of leftovers of my college days when I majored in political science...)

After a long day of work, I came home and had a craving for something with a southwestern/mexican flair. After raiding the pantry, I found a Mexican meal-in-a-box, which gleefully proclaimed that it involved 3 easy steps. How can you argue with easy Mexican food after a long day at work? Easy. You can't. (I guess I could've driven to Taco Bell too, but whatever.)

So I gather the materials as requested by my box-o-mexicana, and prepare to follow the easy steps to making my layered taco masterpiece. All of a sudden... BAM! Politics! I'm suddenly thinking about the Middle East peace process. And then it occurred to me... the bastards who make my tacos should be the ones to solve the world's problems.

Just think about it: 3 easy steps to Middle East peace. Amazing. Why make it difficult?

So I read on as I dreamed of Jews and Palestinians hugging in the streets. Easy step #1: Brown the meat, drain, and add 1 cup of water and seasoning packet. Stir constantly until most of the water is absorbed.

Hold on you Old El Passholes: That's not step 1. That's like 6 steps in one. What kind of BS are you pulling here?

Step 2: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Layer a 9" pie pan with tortillas, and then 1/2 cup of meat mixture, alternating tortillas and meat mixture. Top with Cheese sauce.

What the hell guys? You said this was easy! Sure, the cheese is squeezable, but now I have to balance these freakin' tortillas on uneven piles of taco meat. That's not easy. It's like playing meat Topple. Or meat Jenga.

Step 3: Bake in oven for 15 minutes. Layer with toppings.

What toppings? Where the hell are these toppings coming from? Lettuce? I didn't see that crap in the original requirements! Salsa? You mean you couldn't include that in the package I just opened?

Then I realized: The people that made my tacos ARE the people running the planet.

Step 1: Make the Jews and Palestinians stop fighting.
Step 2: Give everyone who wants their own land a piece of land somewhere
Step 3: Profit!

Damnit.

I ate my tilting taco layer shitstorm. It didn't look anything like the one on the box and was even less satisfying than I had hoped. Politics ruin everything.

I immediately felt sick afterwards. And wouldn't you know it! BAM! Thoughts in my head about US border policies.

Why can't the elections be over already?

New Year's Stuporstitions

I'm not a superstitious person. I don't believe in breaking mothers' backs by stepping on cracks, tossing salt over your shoulder, or harm with black felines crossing my path. There are people in my family, (MOM), that are proponents of these kinds of things, and some of them happen to be season specific. Recently, I was told that on New Years' Day that it was MANDATORY that I eat pork for dinner. Pork, as you know, ALWAYS brings good luck, all year, to those that eat it on New Year's Day. But for those poor bastards that eat chicken... well, they'll be "scratching" for money all year long. (Because chickens scratch... you know.) Along with that, I've also heard the following:

-When you leave your house for the first time in a New Year, you have to re-enter the house in a completely different door. This assures that "Good Luck" will be trapped in your home for an entire year! (Because everyone knows that good luck starts to get funky after 365 days, and then needs to be replaced. I replace the good luck at the same time I do the box of Baking Soda in my fridge.)

-On New Year's Day, you can't remove anything from your house, so garbage cannot be taken out. (Not like any sanitation engineers will be working that day!) If anything leaves your house, you will spend the entire year giving instead of getting.

So, I believe its all a bunch of crap. But here are some tried and true REAL SUPERSTITIONS! (Well, from my experience...)

I've found that through some magical power that if I watch all the NCAA Football bowl games on New Year's Day, that I'm much better the next day at work when it comes to discussing those games around the water cooler! It's like the conversations become that much better!

Also, I've found that if you give your wife your credit card and tell her to "go wild", you'll spend the entire New Year making credit card payments. Unbelievable!

Finally, I've found that if I celebrate New Year's Eve by drinking a few bottles of champagne, I'll always spend the first day of the year with a really, really bad headache and little desire to eat. (Weird, isn't it?)

So knock on wood and try those 3 out! I bet the outcomes will only work on New Year's Day! Because that's how these unexplained, non-scientifically based things work!