During my 314th viewing of Evan Almighty, (which plays in a loop at our video store), something came over me. It was something primal, like the scent of prey dancing in the air. I was drawn to it and floated to it like a cartoon character to a delicious pie on a windowsill. (You've seen that cartoon, right? right?) On this particular night, the wind blew in such a way that even the smell of McDonalds' was appealing. (No, that doesn't mean that it was blowing away the scent of the dog food factory. Although, that's a good thing.) I couldn't resist, and as my shift ended, I jetted towards the drive-thru.
Everyone has been to McDonalds. You know what's on the menu: Burgers, cheeseburgers, chicken patty, chicken nuggets, fries, drink. That about sums it up. Still, it took me forever to decide on a meal. As I sat, drooling like a goon at a roided-up microphone, I noticed the green decorations all around the menu.
Its effin' Monopoly season.
I don't have many monsters, but if anything brings out my dark side, its Monopoly. It doesn't matter what size, shape, or form its in. Monopoly = Dominate. (Notice how they have the same number of letters.) To say that Monopoly makes me ruthless is an understatement. Quite frankly, I'm a mean, power-obsessed bastard with a large side of conniving son-of-a-bitch. I'm the kind of Monopoly player that cuts deals with people that land on his hotel to later make them land on Park Place with 2 hotels. And then I laugh. Then I total the net worth of all that person's ownings and find that its not enough to cover the amazing deficit. And then I laugh some more. That's why I choose the battleship token: accept no surrender, take no prisoners. (Mind you, I usually play with family too. Poor Kate...)
McDonalds' Monopoly is no exception. For massive efficiency and the most game pieces, I chose a large #1 extra value meal. A Big Mac, huge order of fries, and a drink big enough to soak my feet in. (Sweetened Tea, if you were curious.) I drove home, hellbent on peeling off those emerald green game tabs.
I got home and pulled like mad, chomping away at 56g of fat and a week's worth of sodium. My tabs left me 1 railroad short of $100, and 1 property away from $50k. The bar had been raised.
Cut to 2 nights later. I once again found myself working, when hunger hit me hard. It was 11 pm, and there were very few restaurants open at the time. Fortunately, Meadville has 2 24-hour McDonalds, so it was an obvious choice. As I left work, I turned right towards the drive-thru, and ordered my combo #1. Salty fries, fatty burger, skinny wallet. No railroads, no completed Monopolies.
Newton once said, "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." (Isaac, not Fig, for those unscientific folk reading this.) Newton was a great scientist, but he also would've been one hell of a Fast-Food dietitian. Eating the Big Macs has had a very tumultuous and very concentrated effect on my body. I'm glad that my stomach is looking out for me, but I can't say I'm happy with the way its expressing itself. Everything tastes like Thousand Island special sauce, and I can't quite hold anything down.
It seems that in this game of Monopoly, McDonalds has dominated me.
If you need me, I'll be doing some physical fitness to work off the 2240 calories, 118g of fat, and 2780g of sodium I ate over the course of TWO MEALS!
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In other news, the McBag o' Ice is a 10 pound bag of ice for $1. Some guy ordered 38 of them the other night, along with 38 double cheeseburgers. Isn't there a better use for $76 on a Saturday night?
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