The Single Life and the Store

My wife is out of town for a week, meaning I get to live quasi-bachelor life again. While I miss her, I still try to take advantage of this time alone and at least attempt to have fun. It gives me an opportunity to do things that wives frown on. (Well, not the deal breaker ones... but the things that I'd usually get a stern talking-to for even considering.)

Like shopping. Know what I enjoy doing at the store? When I'm shopping alone I like to immediately put a few boxes of Popsicles in my cart. It doesn't matter what kind- fudgesicles, pudding pops, variety fruit flavors... typically whatever is on sale and reasonable. I walk around with them in my cart and follow my list. I take my time, and without fail I always come across my target.

It's as good as a bulls eye. Its the big, race car themed shopping cart full of spoiled fucking brats... Vocal, drooling, whining undisciplined little monsters in a 5-sided cage. (Too bad there isn't a sixth side to keep them completely caged in. Mind you, this isn't your usual crying child. This is a clown car's worth of really loud and unruly kids. And pushing them around is a really flustered mom trying to keep her kids under wraps with the deadliest of motherly techniques: Counting. (ex. "If you don't sit your butt down by the time I count to three... one... twooooooo...) Its headache inducing all the way around. The sounds, smells, sights and psychological impact are all enough alone to ruin a shopping experience. That's when I go to work.

I reach for something in the general vicinity of the cart. I tell the kids that if they behave, their mom will buy them a nice box of Popsicles for the hot, hot day outside. I conveniently let her know that this brand, (I hold up the box), is on sale for $2. At this time, I've had the Popsicles in my cart for a good 20 minutes as I've been shopping. I then walk away, and prepare for the next phase.

I run my cart back to the frozen foods isle and place all my boxes of Popsicles in the front of the case. Later in line, I'll see the mom with all her little kids thinking about how wonderful the Popsicles will be. So... what's the point?

Well, in the worst case scenario, (from my perspective, at least), the Popsicles melt and refreeze. Have you ever seen a little kid eat a Popsicle? Then you know how messy it gets under normal conditions. Now imagine if the stick is covered in refreezed Popsicle... and multiply that by the number of kids. Little bastards covered in orange sugar liquid. Covering their hands and faces. Soaking into their clothes and pooling onto the floor. It would be just a huge mess. And maybe, just maybe, they'll touch the walls or furniture.

So I don't get to see the ensuing chaos, but I still get to see the effects of my scheming. Here are the results:

1.) It's instant gratification on my part. The kids shut up in the store because they're promised Popsicles. Its no secret that kids love Popsicles and are suckers for bribery. I get to enjoy the rest of my shopping experience in peace and quiet.

2.) The ensuing mess results in lots of grief for the parents, resulting in appropriate action. Since they didn't control their freakin' kids in an environment that wasn't theirs, (the store), they now have a big mess to take care of in their own place, meaning they'll probably me more driven to teach their kids to behave themselves. Teach your kids composure. I understand that everyone of all ages has a bad day, but I'm not going to buy that all 3 of your kids are misbehaving because they're all having bad days. What? Was Teletubbies a repeat? Did they kill off Barney? I'm not buying that crap, especially when it happens all the time.

So hopefully this leads parents to a) consider disciplining their kids and b) to reconsider having any future kids. The most effective form of birth control is watching a really out of control child. Hopefully this curbs any future impulses they have to produce the equivalent of mobile bullhorns with legs.

It might be a little underhanded, but I think its a proportionate response. After all, don't dish out the annoyance if you can't take it. Its also a lot more subtle that throwing boxes of condoms in their cart while they're not looking... although... the awkward explanation of what they are might be the kind of embarrassment these parents need...

Hmmm.... I'll have to remember that one for one of the cold winter months...