Blast From the Past IV: Our Generation's Legacy

(Originally Posted June 29, 2006)

Many times, I ask myself, "Hey Matt... (What?) ... What kind of an impression are we leaving on history as the 80's generation?" (What a great question!) I often wonder how my children's children will look back on the cultural progress and maturity of this day in age. What will be our 5th symphony...our defining work of cultural superority?

I've found the answer, and quite frankly, I'm scared. Lets focus on a very popular song that I've heard people absolutely rave about. It comes to us off of an album titled "A Girl Like Me." This performer hails from Barbados and is only 18 years old... Lets give it up for.... Rihanna!

(applause... as sarcastic as clapping your hands together can possibly be...)

The song is called "Unfaithful", and I've taken the liberty to not only give you the lyrics, but also to give you a quick side-by-side analysis of the fantasitc picture it paints for the future generations... that will critique us... in writing.... and compare us to the times of Elvis and Rock 'N Roll....

Comments will appear in parentheses...and in red.

Unfaithful, by Rihanna. (Hold your applause this time....)

Story of my life (All 18 years of it)
Searching for the right (the right what? Shoe? color of wallpaper?)But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
(She's saddened by something... I bet its her own dumbass fault...)

cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company (Yeah yeah... share your misery...Woe is me... I'm a rich popstar with a top 10 on the Billboard countdown)
Hes more than a man (He's part girl too? A transexual maybe?)
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue (He's in blue man group? ROCK!)
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true (See! I told you! Its her own damn fault!)

and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
(and he's still with you because....?)and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
(So... why don't you dump him to be with the other guy? Moron.....)
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer
(Side note: When she said this line, it sounds like she has marbles in her mouth... "a muhdaraaaaah")

I feel it in the air
(Phil Collins can too. Maybe he and Rihanna are related.)
as I'm doing my hair
preparing for another day
(Another day of your infedelity and murdering ways. Is this a soap opera??? I hope not... if she kills herself, the writers could still write her back in, but with a significantly less talented singer in her place. I wonder what Michelle Branch has been up to... )
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
as if I'm gonna be out late
(Well, drinking ,whoring, and deceit usually takes awhile...)
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
(*cough* *cough* *coughBULLSHITcough*)
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
where I'm about to go (The Jerry Springer Show?)
and we know it very well

cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying (Haven't we been over this already?)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer (MWAHDAHRAAAAAAAAH!)

His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
(Maybe, you should start with the gun to YOUR head. I'm sure his family would appreciate it...as would my eardrums.)
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
(THEN DON'T! YOU WHINY BITCH!)
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer [a murderer] (Muhdahraaaaaaaaah! Mahbahlaaaaaah!)

No no no no
(Obligatory No,no,no,no's)
Yeah yeah yeah
(Why can't she stop contradicting herself? She doesn't want to go, but is happy with another guy? She doesn't want to kill the guy everytime, but won't let him go. Now she just said "no" like 8 times...and starts saying YEAH YEAH YEAH! Make up your damn mind!)

What will this tell future generations about the way things were handled in the year 2006?

1.) Cheating happened all the time in relationships. (This is true)

2.) Complaining about things within your control also happened all the time, and sometimes in music form. (Thank the Sweet Lord that I haven't figured out how to play guitar yet... YET.)

3.) Even when simple solutions make themselves known, the generations of 2006 were too fucking lazy to implement them. If she would just break up with him, they could both go their separate ways and that would be the end of it. Well, until she realized she made a mistake, called him a thousand times to reconcile, only to be turned down... until the guy went out with his friends, had too much to drink, then drunk-dialed his cheatin' skank ass ex ho, and wakes up, butt-nekkid next to her in bed the next morning. Then the cycle of cheating/hiding the truth starts all over again. They also will probably get married and then quickly divorced.

4.) 2006 is when Men stopped being manly. A guy suspecting a cheating significant other in the 1960's would've given her a whatfor right to the curb. This guy watches it happen, doesn't say anything, and cries himself to sleep as his woman gets tag-teamed at the club. What a little bitch! Hey buddy: How about you grow a pair, tell her to get the fuck out, and move on to someone hotter who doesn't swallow marbles for a living?

5.) Rihanna and her other contributions, (Pon de Replay? WTF does that mean?), will prove that our taste sucks. Big time. And then the future people will see the pictures of a naked, pregnant Britney Spears, and they'll have all the confirmation of our poor taste that they'll ever need.

I believe that children ARE our future... But we're their past, so lets make them pay for all the laughing they're going to do at our mistakes. Let's triple social security funds for anyone who can't name 10 albums from the 80's, and sing at least one song off of that album. Yeah!