Whygene?

I'm a big fan of personal hygiene. Some call me a clean freak, but I'd like my smell to be one less thing people around me have to worry about. So I take all the ordinary measures: Shower, shave, apply deodorant, and so on and so forth. I go through the motions, but I started to get disturbed by my routine. (Not that I don't like smelling nice...)

I realized, while browsing ads at the grocery store, that these male hygiene companies are using really direct advertising strategies to sell their products. Companies like Old Spice, Axe Body Spray, and Bod are all playing on sexuality to increase their sales. The premise is simple: Smell good, get women.

On one side of the coin, it makes perfect sense. But upon closer inspection, I found the execution to be absolutely poor.

My lack of faith in their methods started at the store, while I was buying a new bottle of body wash. I started browsing the soap isle, and began to read the labels of the products. After 5 minutes, I couldn't decide what I'd rather smell like: "Pacific Tide" or "Fresh." Fresh what? Beef Tenderloin? Tuna? What does a Pacific Tide smell like? Isn't there a ton of pollution and dead fish in the Pacific? What woman would be attracted to that?
The trend of strange naming continues into the types of deodorant. I was face-to-face with "Arctic Chill" and "After Hours." If there was truth in advertising then "After Hours" would smell like a bar floor, stale cigarettes, and cheap perfume. And if anything is going to bring home the ladies, that's it.

My wife, on the other hand, gets "Aloe Vera Orange Passion Fruit Smoothie" deodorant. (Or something like that.) That sounds a lot more attractive.

Maybe an improvement in guy's products' would be more like, "Successful Banker" or "Owns a Lamborghini" or "Superstar Athlete." Maybe "Just swam in a big vat of money." On a more basic level it could be, "I clean my apartment once a week", or "Doesn't have a flatulence problem." That'll get the ladies. I mean, if you're going to impress the ladies with your smell, you might as well go all out, and it should sound damn impressive to boot.

A Great Feet of Judgement....

Yesterday was supposed to be a nice, quiet, relaxing Sunday. My wife had just returned home from a 3 day business trip, so I was excited to spend some time with her. To top things off, Monday was my first day at the new job. I wanted to be relaxed, refreshed, and ready to start off the new chapter of my life. And everything was going to plan until 6:45pm.

I got a call from the Intermural basketball team I joined. They had 4 players, and needed one more. Kate gave me the approving nod, I tossed on my oversized Nike shorts and athletic shoes, and took off towards the athletic center.

I learned a valuable lesson over the course of 45 minutes: I can't run like I used to. I was past winded. I was past exhausted. I was old. I was out of shape. I'm still getting thirsty just thinking about it. We didn't have any substitutes, so the 5 of us spent the entire time running the floor. Well, except for when we were catching our breath. Should I add that our competition was college students? Younger, faster, more numerous.

I also learned that my running shoes have inadequate padding. I think it was reinforced even further when the 2nd blister burst on my foot.

I knew I'd be sore the next day, but I had forgotten about my new job. Or at least the fact that I have new shoes for my job. So I walked to work in unbroken dress shoes. And it was slippery due to a winter storm. On bricks. Slippery bricks. Uphill. (Only one way.)

My feet are crying. But its my love of sport that won't let me complain out loud about it.

You won't catch me playing basketball tonight though. Not until tomorrow...

And.... CUT!

I recently worked my last shift at Family Video. So now that I have no affilation with the company whatsoever, let me tell you what I think about it.

I have to say that it wasn't even close to being the worst place I've worked. In fact, I would rank it as one of the highest jobs in terms of workplace environment. (And not just because there would be movies playing in the background. But, that does beat the Muzak versions of "Under the Sea" that used to play at my other jobs.)

The big difference was the actual people that I worked with. Everyone from the hourly employees to the highest administrator was friendly, helpful, and courteous. It was really a refreshing change to work for a company where people truly helped each other out. On top of it all was the allowance of personality, which is usually not permitted in larger companies. (Follow the guidelines in the book. This is appropriate, this isn't. Change your beliefs accordingly.)

Some places I've worked hold that the customer is ALWAYS right, regardless of what the employee says. Basically, the employees get shafted and reprimanded for doing what they're supposed to do, and the customer gets to live out a really warped reality. (For example, someone asked for copies at a certain time, but due to limitations of the copy machines, it couldn't be completed in time. So the customer complained, got a really huge discount, and the employees got yelled at for saying 'no' to the customer. So the employees had to rush with an irate customer breathing down their necks, and didn't get as much for the project they completed. Stress + Less profit + unhappy employees = bad work environment. It happened many times at one of my past jobs. Almost daily.)

Family Video is pretty fast paced, especially considering that 2 people have to take care of the responsibilities of the entire store and all the customers in the store at the time. It was just nice to see a group of people that cared about what they were doing, and who had the skills to multitask and accomplish everything they were given. It wasn't all baskets of puppies and sunshine, but it could've been a lot worse.

I think Family Video is a great company, regardless of which side of the counter you're standing. Their prices for rental are fair, inexpensive, and flexible. Management is responsive, fun, and comprised of real people. No, its not a dream job, but it is light years beyond flipping burgers or other minimum wage jobs, solely due to the people and the attitude that represents Family Video.

That being said, I'm glad to be moving on to the next chapter of my life. While slinging movies was pretty fun, I'm going to feel more at home working at a liberal arts college in the Development / Alumni Affairs office. That sounds much more up my alley. But, from time-to-time, you'll be sure to find me at Family Video, taking advantage of the "Rent 3, get 1 Free" deals. (Remember Matt: Purple and Yellow Sticker ONLY!)

So, to any current FamVid staff members reading this: Thanks! I had a great time. And good luck to all of you! I promise to be a good customer. That means researching movies before I ask you for them. (i.e. making sure I have the name right...) I'll also make sure you get credit for the bundle deals and other promotions that are going on. I'll even renew my Half off discount card for the next 30 days...when it expires. And chances are that I'll help people on the floor when it's busy when they can't find "Porky's Revenge" or "Wrong Turn 2". (I have a feeling that people will still think I work there when I go to rent...)

Labels and Decision Making

In public, you will run into many different types of personalities. Recently, while working, I ran into perhaps one of the least desirable. A customer of ours has little to no ability to make a decision of his own. To make matters worst, he monopolizes the time of the staff to make these decisions for him.

Here's the scenario: People are coming into the store on a weekday afternoon to rent movies. Meanwhile, Opinion-Master is running around the store, picking up titles at random, and asking the closest employee their opinion about the movie. However, he asked the opinion by yelling across the store, and simply screamed out the name of the movie. "Have you seen 'The Good Shepard?' Is that a good one?" Meanwhile, we're helping other customers, who were actually waiting in line and polite.

Once the other customers were helped, we were more than happy to assist Opinion-master with looking for movies. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to appreciate our honest nature, especially when we hadn't seen the movie. If we said we didn't see the movie, his response was: "But you work in a video store." Seriously. By that logic, someone who works at a restaurant has eaten every dish on that menu. I haven't seen plenty of movies, mainly because I don't want to see them. They're not my taste. I'm not going to spend 2 hours of my life watching Pride and Prejudice just so I can give someone an opinion about it. I know that I'm not going to enjoy it, so why waste the time?

After 25 minutes, Opinion-Master comes to the counter and asks me about the "Rent 3, get 1 free" special that we always have. If you rent 3 movies that are 5 night new releases, then you get a 5 night new release for free. These movies are marked with a Purple and Yellow sticker which says: "5 Nights, $2.59." Easy, right? He told me he was interested in this deal. So I told him what to look for, complete with holding up a small sign with 4 of those Yellow and Purple stickers on them. I emphasised the sticker, and told him what to look for. (While pointing to my visual aid.) He comes back to the counter with 4 movies...3 of which AREN'T 5 NIGHT NEW RELEASES! I didn't want to make him feel like an ass, but he obviously didn't listen to a damn thing I said. I offered to show him around the store to show him where the 5 night new releases are on the shelves, but he declined. Instead, he started talking on his phone. He motioned for me to hurry up, yet he hadn't given me his name or phone number. So I waited, not wanting to interrupt and be rude like some other people in the store... (OPINION-MASTER RUDE GUY!)

He got off the phone, and wondered what his total was. I told him that I was waiting for his phone number. We squared everything away, and he ended up only taking 3 movies, none of which were eligible for the 5 night new release special. I was glad to see him go, but I know he'll be back. But, chances are good that I won't see him again...
****************

People haven't been butchering movie names quite as much lately. Maybe its because there are so many big-name movies coming out. No one is really going to mess up Shrek or Ocean's 13. (Well, at least beyond comprehension.) So I took to looking at the way movies are designated in the Family Video System for a new source of hilarity.

Some movies just aren't in the correct order. For example, "Return to House on Haunted Hill" is listed as an "H" movie. Officially, its "House on Haunted Hill - Return to" in FamVid Land. The labels only hold so much information, so some movies are made to be extra hilarious.

We have a wide array of Scooby Doo movies. The best thing about these movies is that they are mostly in the Free Kids' Movie section. The bad news is that many of them have really, really long titles. I think the most hilarious label belongs to a Scooby Holiday movie called "Scooby Doo: Merry Scary Holidays!" The label clearly states:

SCOOBY DOO: MERRY SCARY HO!

I knew Daphne was a bit skanky. I guess the eggnog brings it out a little more.

Other titles benefit from a listing of their stars. Movies that are subject to popular names or multiple remakes feature the name of actors or directors on their labels. (For example, Halloween (Carpenter) vs. Halloween (Zombie).) Well, I found my favorite one, which reminds me of breakfast when I used to go camping...(Ok, that one time I went camping...)

The movie is called "Trapped". It stars that guy from Footloose from which everyone is 6 degrees removed. Yes, the label says: "Trapped (Bacon)". Isn't that the way bacon is supposed to be? Who wants bacon just running free?

Sesame Street Games!

Here's a trip to your childhood. One of these things is not like the other... (Insert rest of song here...) Which one doesn't belong?

Goobers
Junior Mints
Snow Caps
Buncha Crunch
Cotton Candy
Jumbo tub of popcorn
120 oz soda
Twizzlers

Ideas? Well, they all seem to be unhealthy... yet strangely desirable. Let's think further... Some have chocolate in them... and others don't... That can't be it...

Hmmm... they all seem to be things that people buy at movie theaters before watching movies! Except... Hey! Isn't cotton candy food you get at the fair? What's that one doing there?

Hmmm.... is cotton candy movie food? Or should it be a side dish to something fried in fat while you check out the 4-H entries?

The reason I mention these things is because I recently had someone question why we have a cotton candy stand in our movie rental store. Even futher, they asked how often someone buys cotton candy from the display.

I don't know. I'm just wondering. Opinions? Is cotton candy movie food?

Save Money, Live Better, Think Less.

I usually don't make a mid-week run to Wal-mart unless something is very, very wrong. It just so happens that autumn finally reared its ugly little head. For me, autumn means sinus infections and allergies. Something about the leaves falling just sets my mucus membranes to "Full speed ahead". I get to feel miserable until I shake it though intervention from some magic capsules from a pharmacy. Well, I went to Wal-mart to check out some medicine and to get some soup.

I got to the medicine isle, and noticed a scrubby looking guy who was browsing medicines as well. I didn't have a clue what I was going to buy, but it had to have the words "severe" and "relief" on the box. I picked up a few to compare the active ingredients and dosages, when scrubby guy asked me a question.

"Do you know a lot about these things?" and shook a box in front of my face. It was for some kind of Tylenol allergy relief. I told him that I hadn't used those before.

"Oh, I've had something like this before." He picked up another box, which looked very similar to the other one. "I used this in the springtime. I was wondering if these ones, (which he was holding up initially in front of me), work better than the other ones. I heard the flavored ones get you better faster."

Yes, that's right. He measures the effectiveness of medicine by how good it tastes. For the record, they were marked "cool burst capsules" as compared to the regular gel tab ones. I told him that I wasn't a doctor, and told him to ask the lady behind the counter in the white lab coat. But nothing says healthy like a shot of the cool burst. I hear that's what they used to cure polio and smallpox. Just a little shot of the cool burst and you'll be out of that wheelchair in no time!

I passed on the medicine and just bought a lot of soup.

The Chocolate Chute and Being Considerate

One of the perks of having a membership with our particular rental establishment is accessibility. Lets say that you have a movie that you just completed, and you can't stand to have it in your home any more. (I'm talking like Jeff Goldblum's "Pittsburgh". What a bad movie...) But it's 2 am... And you HAVE to get rid of it now. Where do you ditch it? A park? Slip it in one of your relative's mailboxes? Ancient burial ground? Never fear! Because we have a 24 hour dropbox!

That's right. Our dropbox is always ready to receive your movies. Any day, any time. As you can imagine, we get our fair share of crazy things. Sometimes, people put the wrong movies in the wrong cases. So sometimes "Scooby Doo's Christmas" is in the case of "Raunchy MILF's Next Door." (You can imagine the hilarity!) Sometimes, we get back empty cases, because its not that important to have the actual DVD or anything. (And people get upset when we say that we don't have the movie back... "But I returned the case!" Well, sticking the plastic case in the DVD player won't work. 1.) It won't fit. 2.) If it did, I wouldn't be able to watch "Office Space" on it.) We also get a fair share of movies from other movie rental businesses. I don't know how it happens, but somehow people confuse the green and orange sign for a Blockbuster logo.

Today was a first though. While sorting movies from the dropbox, I noticed a red box. Someone had placed a foreign object in the slot. It was a box of semi-sweet baker's chocolate. In the dropbox. Among the movies. Now how do you confuse chocolate with a movie? The guy who put it in there eventually came back for it, but he wasn't exactly what you'd wish for in a customer. While another employee was assisting a customer on the phone, the chocolate-chucker stepped up to her. He then began to berate her for not dropping the phone call and pleasing his every whim. He told her some story about how an airport attendant at a ticket counter wouldn't pick up a phone and should've pulled the constantly ringing phone out of the wall. But everyone knows that story, right? (He assumed we both did.) So, she was rude for not dropping her existing conversation and helping someone who just arrived at the counter. Never mind that I was right next to her, waiting to help him out.

We gave him the chocolate back. Judging from his griping and depositing of chocolate in the movie dropbox, I think it's fair to say that he wasn't all there mentally. Objections?

**************

On a vague side note: We have a fair share of customers who frequent our adult room. For those who need it spelled out for you: "Adult Room" = Where we keep the porn films. I always feel a bit weird when I rent out these types of films to people. Personally, I don't care that they're watching porn. I mean, that's their time and they can spend it anyway they'd like. It's just the exchange and the transaction that I'm not so comfortable with...

So after I get their phone number, I get a screen with all the accounts for that number. Usually, there are female names listed... potentially wives or daughters or sisters... By whom the renter probably doesn't want to get caught watching porn. Then there's typically a screen which shows all the porn they haven't returned on time. Which usually prompts them to ask, "Which movies do I have a late fee on?" Now, you can't just say the names of the titles, since there are other people around. Discreet is the way to be. But some people just don't care. They're alright if you blurt out the fact that they rented "Horny Rodeo Clown Capers 28." Or that they've seen "Backwoods Alabama Family Gangbang Part Deux." But the other customers can't be subjected to that. So we have to be vague.

I think the most troubling part is when we hand them the videos. Most employees will end a conversation with a "Thanks", but I like to toss out the "Have a nice night" line. Isn't it kind of a no-brainer that someone renting a stack of adult films is going to have a good night? At least I haven't slipped and told someone to make sure to stretch before viewing... because that might be bad. (Although, in their best interests...)

More Movie Madness:

I received a phone call while working a few days ago. I have a rather masculine voice, so the question I received threw me off quite a bit.

I picked up the phone, gave the typical phone greeting, and was met by one of the craziest questions I've heard.

"What movies do you recommend for a 10 year old girl?" Ok lady. I'm a man. I have no idea what a 10 year old girl likes to watch. I told her that I had no kids, younger siblings, or idea what a 10 year old girl likes. I tried to help her, but she was rather unresponsive. "You mean you have no idea what my daughter would enjoy moviewise?"

Well, considering I don't know your daughter's interests, I'd have to say "no". Does she like Barbie? We have some of those movies. Maybe she's into Hannah Montana. We have those too. Maybe she likes sports. Bend it Like Beckham? Gracie? Seriously, I have no clue.

The lady was seriously bothered, (and she told me so), that I had no bearing of what 10 year old girls enjoy. Quite frankly, she should be happy that someone my age doesn't hang out with 10 year old girls. But instead, she chastised me for not knowing what her daughter enjoys in a movie. I'm such a crappy employee.

***********
A good ol' boy and his wife came into the store, intent on renting some movies. Some people are adventurous when they enter the store, and set off on their own to browse the shelves. Others decide to cut right to the front counter, name a bunch of movies they're interested in, and make the employees, (busy employees, at that), run around and grab the movies for them. Of course, I'm always willing to help out, but sometimes people are just too lazy to gain my sympathy. This guy was one of those people.

He took the pamphlet of the month's new movies, and just started to point to them. "I need this one, and this one, and this one... And hurry up, I have things to do." I explained that I could point him in the right direction, and that there were other customers to serve. (At this time, a line was forming to check out, and I wasn't about to leave the front of the store unsupervised...)

I told him how our store's alphabetical shelving system worked, and pointed him in the direction of all his movies. He refused to get them, instead wanting me to get all of the movies he wanted. I told him I'd do it after I was finished helping the customer I was with. 5 minutes and 15 customers later, he was still waiting for me to get the movies. I complied, got all 10 movies he wanted, and went to the register. He then proceeded to bitch about how slow I was, and how I wasn't willing to help him, despite the huge stack of movies I had before him. I responded by allowing him to rent 1 movie of his choice for free. (This totally made him happy.) So he thought long and hard until the smoke came out from under his plastic mesh trucker hat... He wanted an older movie... called...

Aren't-it-gettin.

What? Sounds like a Larry the Cable guy movie, doesn't it? I asked him for the name again. Second time: Aren't-it-gettin. Then I asked what it was about. He said it involved a big rock full of oil. Any clues readers? I asked who the stars of the movie were. He said Die Hard and the guy that was married to J-Lo.

Oh. Aren't-it-gettin. Or, as normal people say it: Armageddon. You know, where the giant meteor is going to hit Earth, but Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck blow it up. Then they play the Aerosmith song and Liv Tyler cries. Yeah. That's what he was talking about.

He chose that movie for free, which I got for him. For the record: Armageddon is a $1 movie. The others I offered to give him for free were $2.75. He insisted he get the $1 for free.
*************
A lady wanted a movie, really, really, really bad... and couldn't find it on the shelves. "My kids want to watch Rat-killers. I know it's out, but you don't have it."

"Rat Killers?", I asked. "Are you sure that's the name?"

"Oh, maybe its under 'D' for 'Disney's Rat-Killers'."

Or maybe its under 'R' for Ratatouille. The story about a rat that wants to become a chef... that gets released this week, and is not yet in stores.

I can't wait to see a Disney Movie called "Rat Killers." It'll make the death scene in Bambi look like when Prince Charming kissed Cinderella.

Maybe 10 year old girls will be into Disney's Rat Killers.

How do you say "Genius" in spanish?

Family Video is nice enough to warn people of those potential annoyances that might come from renting movies. For example, for those with regular, squarish TV's, Family Video is sure to place a "WIDESCREEN" sticker on movies that retain their aspect ratio from the movie theater cut of a film. (If you didn't know, movies in the theater are rectangular to fit the formatting of the screen. Many films are adapted to Full Frame, which chops off the sides of the film, making it more square to fit conventional screens. Watching a widescreen movie on a full frame tv usually leads to those black bars on the top and bottom of the screen. That's why some people have purchased widescreen TV's, so the black bars are eliminated, and movies can be seen just like they were intended to.)

Family video also places stickers on adult content. Some movies, although rated R, contain content too disturbing for younger audiences. Some movies are marked "MUST BE 18 TO RENT", signifying that the movie is a bit extreme for younger audiences.

Finally, with the increase of releases from foreign markets, Family Video has labeled subtitled movies with an appropriate sticker: "THIS FILM IS SUBTITLED."

Very rarely do all these stickers make an appearance together, but it does happen. The crossover from these stickers brought me to a very interesting conversation the other day at work.

A lady called on the phone with what she believed to be a stupid question. (I am usually a firm believer that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but this job has proven me wrong quite a few times.) She recently rented a movie, and was upset that she grabbed a subtitled version of the movie. She wanted me to go to the shelf and grab the English version of the movie. What movie was it?

Pan's Labyrinth. Which deals with the rise of the Fascists in Spain in 1944. And was directed by a guy with the first name Guillermo. From Spain. All the actors? Spanish. "Do you have a version of the film where everyone isn't speaking Mexican?"

I explained the movie, the circumstances surrounding the film, and the nationalities of those responsible for producing the film. Quite frankly, she didn't want to have to read while watching a movie. After all, that's why they make the movie version: So you don't have to read the book.

I hung up the phone, and hung my head.

A Flash of Corporate Brilliance

Don't let the name Family Video fool you. This operation isn't a mom-and-pop business anymore. In fact, Family Video is now the 3rd largest video rental store in the US. That's big money, big spending, and big planning. With Halloween quickly approaching, corporate decided to do everything it could to maximize profits by capitalizing on the holiday.

So that means that movies get pulled from their regular places, redesignated, and repriced. Know that copy of "8-Legged-Freaks" that you got in the 2-for-$1 section the other night? Now its $1 and you get it for 2 nights instead of 5. See what they did there? (Regardless of how much you pay, that movie is horrible. Putting that movie in the "Halloween Favorites" section was strike #1 in my book...)

Besides horror, what else could they focus their energy into... candy! Right? Wrong. Candy is all the same. Nothing but the regular king-sized candy bars and air stuffed boxes of movie candy. (That's strike #2. Gotta push the candy.)

And for our big strike #3... They've introduced a healthy alternative to sugar on Halloween. I mean, what kid, in his or her right mind, wants to get candy by walking door to door on the last day of October? All children under 12 HATE candy and are very conscious of their dental health. So what does the hip person hand out to all those Halloweeners? Boo Bucks.

Yeah, I said it. Boo Bucks. (Oh, you thought I was talking about Halloweeners.)

Boo Bucks are essentially gift cards that are to be given out on Halloween instead of all that evil, evil sugary goodness. Hyper kids will be a thing of the past once they get a hold of Boo Bucks. Gone are the days of fun sized bars and Necco Wafers. Parents don't have to inspect Boo Bucks for razor blades or staples before their children enjoy them! Once the ghouls and goblins get their Boo Bucks, they simply visit Family Video and exchange the gift certificate for any $1 movie of their choice! How cool is that? What kid DOESN'T WANT BOO BUCKS!

Oh, did I mention that these handouts are $1 a piece? So, if you have 100 trick-or-treaters, you'd shell out $100 on these gift cards. (Oh, plus the labor you'll exert the next day in wiping egg off of your house and putting out the flaming bags of poo on your porch.) There is, however, a special deal on these Boo Bucks: Buy 20, and get 5 free. (Offer limited to one per person, please.) So, the 100 Boo Bucks would only really cost you $95, so its a real steal, right? (Wal-Mart candy: 50 pieces of assorted chocolates for $2. And you don't have to explain to each and every kid what that piece of plastic is that you just dropped in their plastic pumpkin pail.)

Call me a purist, but Halloween is an excuse to eat lots and lots of stuff that's bad for you. Kids are allowed to spend the next few months in a sugar coma for dressing all spooky. And that's the way its supposed to be. I hate to imagine if this catches on, but would kids eventually just get plastic cards for local stores? "Look mom! An L.L. Bean Dismal Dollar! I can afford to get my initials sewn on my backpack now!"

Way back in the day, Halloween used to be a day for appeasing the spirits of the dead before All-Saints Day. Then it turned into a day for eating candy and celebrating the childlike wonder of the sugar rush. Don't let it evolve further into a day of handing gift certificates to people you barely know. Isn't that what Christmas Office parties are for?

(As a side note, gift certificates for Halloween are also sold by Wendy's, McDonald's, and many other fast food locations. Didn't the kids do enough work to get to your door? Now you're making them walk to redeem what you gave them. What ever happened to instant gratification?)

Maybe the Disks aren't Defective...

I realize that spending $10 on rented movies, taking them home, and not having them play sucks. I would be upset if I was in that situation. And sometimes The Buffer can't always fix them. But sometimes there are customers who take things a little too far.

Enter the "control freak" customer. Today, a guy came in with a disk that didn't work. However, instead of letting us know about it, he sat on it for 5 days and returned it when it was due. What took so long? His cataloging of exactly where the skips and freezes took place. Inside the plastic case with the movie was a list of the chapters that didn't work, and the timing where everything went wrong. (No joke. It was probably a serious undertaking to get this list made.) He then requested that I clean the disk from "chapters 8-12 and the first 5 minutes of chapter 14." I offered to clean the entire disk, but he said that we shouldn't mess with 1-7, 13, and 15-18 because they all worked fine. So only clean 8-12 and parts of 14. I looked at him blankly, put the disk in the buffer, and started it. The scratches went away. AND THEN HE DIDN'T WANT THE MOVIE BACK! I'm stupefied that someone would put that much work into something and not want to see the parts that he missed.

He later came back up with more movies, and we gave him a few for free. He damn near mandated how we were to scan the movies in the system. He handed them to us, one at a time, and made sure to have us tell him how much the movie was and how long he would have it for. The entire process took 20 minutes. His total bill? $5.49. Ugh.

Another star of the defective circuit was the man who rented "Star Trek: The Voyage Home." STTVH is a 2 disk set, meaning that one disk is the full-length feature and the second is the special features. There aren't many movies that we package with the special features, but this just so happens to be one of the exceptions. He came in, movie in hand, and started complaining before he had an employee's attention. (Luckily, it was my attention. Go me.) He started babbling, and I'm pretty sure that the only words I caught were "...not working...DVD...face of the case..." So I used the famous method acting technique.

Method acting involves putting yourself in the same state as the person you're dealing with. That means similar posture, facial expressions, tone and cadence of speech. By "stepping into his shoes" I determined something key to our interaction. This guy was utterly and totally drunk. (It probably helped that he smelled like a bar floor.) I got him to slow down and explain what happened.

He rented the movie, no doubt excited to delve into the "Final Frontier." His enthusiasm, (or inebriation), led to him putting BOTH DISKS INTO THE DVD PLAYER AT THE SAME TIME! He described the whining sound that was being made as he tried to jam both disks into the machine. (FYI: Most DVD players will only fit one disk. If you try to put two in at the same time, the auto-closing door will open or knock one of the disks out. Don't try it though, because that's not how its supposed to work.) He claims that the disks were stuck together from something the employee put on them. He pointed to a small, white bottle that was by our disk cleaner. He said that the liquid inside was a glue that made the two DVDs look like 1. I read the label on the bottle to him: Anti-Friction/Anti-Static solution for DVD cleaners. (Explain how that made them stick together, Mr. Wizard.)

Well, after both DVDs were in the player, he realized that there was a sticker saying there were 2 disks on the case. But he couldn't find the second disk! So he looked and looked and it wasn't there. So he called the store to find out where his second disk was. The employee claimed that it was in the case when he left the store, so he'd better find it. Well, he tried to open the DVD player, which was now jammed with 2 movies. It wouldn't open. He tried to pull it open with his finger, a paperclip, and finally a screwdriver. In fact, he pulled the entire face off of his DVD player. For the amount of force he exerted, the DVDs were surprisingly unharmed. I was trying to wrap my head around how, in a drunken state, this guy could use a screwdriver to carefully, yet forcefully, remove 2 DVDs from a jammed player, resulting in a damaged DVD player, but not a damaged DVD.

I told the guy that I'd just credit his account for the movies that were stuck together. But he wanted to keep talking, and decided to close the distance between us, just in case I wasn't able to properly hear him. Or smell him. (I think it was whiskey.) He repeated the story he just told, and I repeated my offer. His response? "That's better! Let's do that!" I gave him his credit, and he went on his way. I almost clocked out at that very point, but decided that no interaction could possibly be worse than that one.

I'm not ruling out a new champion for tomorrow. Anything can happen on a Saturday night.

Butchered Movie Title du jour: The Condamned. (Stone Cold Steve Austin's "The Condemned." Close, but just not correct enough.)

Tools for Fighting the War on (Video Store) Terror

Reader,

You may or may not believe this based on the descriptions of the clientele I've supplied previous to this post... but, some of the renters don't respect or take care of the materials they borrow from our place of business! Can you believe that?

While restocking items it is commonplace to find a DVD that is so scratched that it simply will not function in a DVD player. Even the most moderately scratched disks will freeze in certain areas or skip around, which varies the sound or picture quality.

Of course, as the movies stay in the store longer, the more prone they are to abuse and eventually not working. So all those classic movies you treasure? Guess what. They're not going to play when you get them home. But never fear... there is still hope...

We have a buffer. The buffer looks like a computer tower and sounds like a lawnmower engine. A small drawer slides from the bottom of the unit, and the DVD is placed upside-down on the spindle. As the drawer is pushed in, the cycle is set and the machine whirrs into action. 30 seconds later, all fingerprints and scratches are a thing of the past. Amazing, no? (The machine only costs a mere $4500.)

This thing is so good at cleaning movies that I feel obligated to clean all Lindsay Lohan films for the protection of all renters. So far, no disease outbreaks related to her movies. It's that good.

I'm reminded of an old adage whenever I clean a DVD for a customer. Something about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure... So, instead of the company spending $4500 for a disk cleaner, plus hundreds of dollars a month for cleaning solution, plus paying the labor for all those employees that have to stand there and monitor the machine... why not just cut it off at the source?

Family Video has a policy that doesn't fault the customer for damages to rented materials regardless of the state they are returned in. Just today, we received a "Transformers" DVD that was scratched beyond playing capabilities. (Transformers came out TUESDAY. 2 DAYS AGO!) But, we couldn't confront the soul renter of the disk. Instead, we had to clean the disk and hope that it plays the next time someone rents it. If it doesn't play, then we mark the DVD in the system as "damaged" and send it back to our corporate offices.

Wouldn't it be better to check the new disks as they come back, (since you have to open the case to insert the retaining pins anyways), and charge accordingly to those who blatantly damage a disk? This could help to alleviate the thousands of dollars that are lost in damaged merchandise and in giving refunds to customers for faulty movies. (They're VERY giving to people who have rented damaged goods.) By holding people accountable, perhaps people would get the message that they need to take care of other people's things.

I've seen some very extreme examples, and was shocked that no action was taken. We've had returned movies that were cracked in half, scratches that penetrated and peeled off the colored label, and some that have had chunks broken out of them. But apparently, that's acceptable. One guy returned a DVD that had his name scratched into the bottom of it. IT SAID HIS NAME ON THE BOTTOM OF THE CD WHEN HE CAME TO COMPLAIN THAT IT DIDN'T WORK! Yet, we didn't charge him. Even worse, we gave him another movie for free.

I understand that the customer comes first, but if this were a car rental company, all the cars would be junkers the second time they came off the lot. In the grand scheme of things, everyone wants to rent movies that work. If I wanted to see an error message on my TV, I'd put a toaster strudel in my DVD player. The cleanup would be horrible, but the effect would be the same. Is it really too much to ask to handle something with care for 5 days and return it in the same condition it was in?

Thank goodness we've got that buffer... To temporarily fix those problems one DVD at a time...

A Few Movie Store Quick Hits...

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are always "Midweek Special" days. If someone gets a new release, then they get a $1 movie for free for 5 nights. (Great deal, right?) This now gives people an opportunity to butcher classic movies as well.

After informing a customer yesterday of the deal, he asked if we had a movie: "Chandler's List." You're probably well aware of it. Its the one with Matthew Perry running a factory with his friends during World War 2. Geez.

Also asked for: The Pianoist. Really.

***************
I was sharing stories with coworkers yesterday when I came across this story: A customer came into the store, absolutely livid with a movie in hand. The mother had selected a movie for her daughter's first ever sleepover. The movie of choice? "Cheerleader Massacre." Did I mention that her daughter was 7? She complained that no one had warned her that the content of the movie might be a little extreme for a 7 year old, (and her impressionable friends), and wanted a store credit for the oversight of the store's staff.

What do you say to that? The rating information is clearly listed on the back, as is the giant "R", for RESTRICTED. I've said it once, and I'll say it a million times, I don't have kids, and I don't want to take care of someone else's kids. I am not your "Baby's Daddy."

***************

A group of 5 came into the store yesterday, and proceeded directly to the business counter. (We have 1 counter at the store, and its where EVERYTHING happens. Therefore its the "Business" counter.) A lady, surrounded by her younger daughters, wishes to open a new account. I take her driver's license, and check to see if she has an existing account. She does. It has $5 in late fees, $4 in movies that were renewed over the phone that still weren't paid, and $56 in movies that were kept for over 30 days. (Meaning that they were listed as "stolen" to the account.) But, she wanted a new account. I told her about the items listed on the account, and her daughter, who was standing RIGHT THERE!, claimed that they were her movies.

The mother started into defense mode, claiming that she didn't rent movies very much. (So why was she starting now... maybe to let her daughter rent more movies...nah, that couldn't be it.) She claimed that she didn't add her daughter to the account and that she shouldn't be responsible for the stolen movies... and then the daughter started. The movies were stolen from her house, and she knew exactly which movies were listed. She named them, in a row, yet wouldn't accept responsibility for them. (She rented them, and was therefore accountable for them.)

You can imagine how this ended. Did they get to rent a movie? Ummm... no.
******************

You know that there's more to come. Indeed.

Hair Care for the Fairer Sex

I'm very fortunate today. My wife has decided to take the day off to spend some time with me. Being as busy as she is, she also decided to do a few things for herself...which leads me to today's post.

I think one of the biggest differences between the sexes is how we approach certain things. One of the biggest areas is in how we get our hair done. Let's look at how my wife prepared for getting her hair cut.

This process started months ago. She researched the salons and beauticians in the area. She also spent time researching hair styles. Magazines around our house have bent corners and circled pictures to denote possible future hairsytles and colors. She called a salon, (after consulting with other women in the area), and made an appointment. (A one hour appointment.)

Today, (the day of the appointment), she woke up, took a shower, and fully did her hair. I'm talking shampoo, conditioner, blow drying, styling, hairspray. The whole 9 yards. She dressed up, looked at her magazines one more time, and left for her appointment.

How do I get ready for a hair cut? I crawl out of bed one day and realize that I look like one of the Beatles. (Yes, I am the Walrus. WOOOOOOOO!) So, I put on a hat, go to the barbershop, and get my hair cut. Straight to the point. My style? "Shorter." That's all there is to it. No bobs or layers or any of that weird stuff. Just shorter.

Then there's the post-cut process. I jump in the shower and wash the hair off of me. Then, I slap in some hair gel. Done. If its even, then its good for me. The most stress comes in discussing sports with the barber and avoiding having him rub his junk on the armrest. That's why I'm leery of short barbers.

Now for Kate, the mental aspect is much deeper. Hair is identity for a woman. Its everything. And one stray hair could spell disaster for the entire process. Going to someone unfamiliar is completely stressful. There's just a lot of questions to be answered, and they all are addressed at the same time once the cut is finished. Its one of the only times you'll see a woman cry from utter sadness and be extremely pissed at the same time.

And then there's coming home. The husband gets asked the question: "How do you like my hair?" Don't, for the love of God, ever, ever answer this question. The woman then needs time alone to play with the hair. To see how it moves and sits and everything. Dress-up ensues, to see how the hair accessorizes with shirts and earings and shoes. (Because I connect shoes with hair when I see someone... "Her hair and shoes don't match... whatever...)

So, from these comparisons I'd like to say just one thing... Lord, Thank you so so much for that Y chromosone. Amen.

Big Macs and the Married Man

During my 314th viewing of Evan Almighty, (which plays in a loop at our video store), something came over me. It was something primal, like the scent of prey dancing in the air. I was drawn to it and floated to it like a cartoon character to a delicious pie on a windowsill. (You've seen that cartoon, right? right?) On this particular night, the wind blew in such a way that even the smell of McDonalds' was appealing. (No, that doesn't mean that it was blowing away the scent of the dog food factory. Although, that's a good thing.) I couldn't resist, and as my shift ended, I jetted towards the drive-thru.

Everyone has been to McDonalds. You know what's on the menu: Burgers, cheeseburgers, chicken patty, chicken nuggets, fries, drink. That about sums it up. Still, it took me forever to decide on a meal. As I sat, drooling like a goon at a roided-up microphone, I noticed the green decorations all around the menu.

Its effin' Monopoly season.

I don't have many monsters, but if anything brings out my dark side, its Monopoly. It doesn't matter what size, shape, or form its in. Monopoly = Dominate. (Notice how they have the same number of letters.) To say that Monopoly makes me ruthless is an understatement. Quite frankly, I'm a mean, power-obsessed bastard with a large side of conniving son-of-a-bitch. I'm the kind of Monopoly player that cuts deals with people that land on his hotel to later make them land on Park Place with 2 hotels. And then I laugh. Then I total the net worth of all that person's ownings and find that its not enough to cover the amazing deficit. And then I laugh some more. That's why I choose the battleship token: accept no surrender, take no prisoners. (Mind you, I usually play with family too. Poor Kate...)

McDonalds' Monopoly is no exception. For massive efficiency and the most game pieces, I chose a large #1 extra value meal. A Big Mac, huge order of fries, and a drink big enough to soak my feet in. (Sweetened Tea, if you were curious.) I drove home, hellbent on peeling off those emerald green game tabs.

I got home and pulled like mad, chomping away at 56g of fat and a week's worth of sodium. My tabs left me 1 railroad short of $100, and 1 property away from $50k. The bar had been raised.

Cut to 2 nights later. I once again found myself working, when hunger hit me hard. It was 11 pm, and there were very few restaurants open at the time. Fortunately, Meadville has 2 24-hour McDonalds, so it was an obvious choice. As I left work, I turned right towards the drive-thru, and ordered my combo #1. Salty fries, fatty burger, skinny wallet. No railroads, no completed Monopolies.

Newton once said, "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." (Isaac, not Fig, for those unscientific folk reading this.) Newton was a great scientist, but he also would've been one hell of a Fast-Food dietitian. Eating the Big Macs has had a very tumultuous and very concentrated effect on my body. I'm glad that my stomach is looking out for me, but I can't say I'm happy with the way its expressing itself. Everything tastes like Thousand Island special sauce, and I can't quite hold anything down.

It seems that in this game of Monopoly, McDonalds has dominated me.

If you need me, I'll be doing some physical fitness to work off the 2240 calories, 118g of fat, and 2780g of sodium I ate over the course of TWO MEALS!

***************
In other news, the McBag o' Ice is a 10 pound bag of ice for $1. Some guy ordered 38 of them the other night, along with 38 double cheeseburgers. Isn't there a better use for $76 on a Saturday night?

This is just a reminder....

The part that everyone hates about movie rentals is the late fees. Its like a reminder that you did something wrong way after the fact. They've never really bothered me, until I was on the other side. In the past, as a customer, I've hated them as well, but accepted the fact that I had to pay for keeping something that wasn't mind for longer than we had agreed. For example, I paid $2.75 to borrow someone else's movie for 1 night. The going rate is $2.75 per night. If I return it late, I expect to pay for the extra night that I had it. That's part of the rules.

I really started to hate late fees when I stepped behind the video counter and started working as an employee. As a "friendly reminder" I have to regularly call those people with long outstanding videos. (I think its 10 days and up.) The objective is to get back the company property so that someone else can take it home and enjoy it. Plus, you don't want someone to borrow something of yours for $1 and keep it indefinitely. That's just taking advantage of the renter, and immoral.

I look at retail transactions in a very complicated light. By giving a company money, I'm engaging in a contract with them. Yes, its an unspoken contract, but a necessary one. In exchange for money, (which is indirectly my hard work in providing the people of Meadville with quality entertainment...), I'm getting some service or product that is high quality. (Yes, even at Taco Bell.) That means that I'll adhere to the terms and conditions of the company within reason, but won't overstep my bounds. At fast food places, that means that my food will be disease-free, tasty, and the appropriate temperature. Anything outside of that, and we're going to have words. Both sides should have expectations from the other member in the contract, and that's what keeps this crazy capitalism thing going.

Well, in the world of video renting, there are guidelines for how long you can rent movies. In our store, $1 gets you most movies for 5 nights. Any longer and you get charged. (An additional dollar for an additional 5 nights.) Fair enough, right? That's the agreement you enter into. We give you a movie for a period of time, you give us money. Not hard, right? Well, apparently it is for some people.

There have been an average of 30 calls per night for people with outstanding movies of a significant time frame. (Significant = 10 or more days.) This actually means that more than 45 calls have to be made, as the accounts have 2 phone numbers that can be used to try to contact the renters. Majority of the people who reach the 10 night plateau give false information or get their cell phones cancelled due to failure to pay the bill, (which the message is sure to inform us when we try to call.) But, once in awhile, we are able to talk to the culprit / culprits.

I called a woman last week and told her that her movies were 25 days late. She picked the phone up at the same time as the answering machine, so I'm sure that every word of our conversation was recorded. I told her who I was, and why I was calling. After late movies reach 30 days past due, our District Manager records the movies as "Stolen" to the account, which places the full value of that movie to the renter. Basically, do nothing for 30 days, and you're buying it. I told her about it and received one of the biggest sob stories in all of history.

She told me that she was, at that very moment, packing up the house because she was leaving her husband. But, he was not aware that she was leaving. She told me how she packed up the TV, and the DVD player, and all that stuff. She cut him out of pictures and burned photos and couldn't stand the fact that he was seeing someone else now. I told her that I was truly sorry about what she was going through, and told her that I just wanted the company's movies back. As she continued, I leafed through the log of past calls, only to be met with a recorded history of all the lame excuses that she had given in the past. Not sure where they were - 10 days late. Gave them to a family member to watch - 15 days late. Swears she returned them - 20 days late. Will return them when she isn't working so much - 22 days late. I started typing in the log: "Leaving husband under the veil of night without his knowledge, doesn't want to be inconsiderate and ask him to look for the movies while the divorce is getting settled." Before I could get to "veil of night", she told me that she probably wouldn't find the movies. I told her what would happen next.

The district manager would process everything in the computer, turning the titles over to the renter and charging appropriately. The next time the person attempted to rent a movie or buy anything at all, a message would flash on the register notifying the clerk that said person owed a bunch of money for a stolen movie. Before anything could be taken by the delinquent renter, the full amount for the movie MUST be paid. No exceptions. If the person never came in to pay, the police would be notified that a movie was stolen from the video store, and then they'd act appropriately.

She told me she had to leave, and that she couldn't leave any trace behind. I wished her luck, and she said that she was halfway in the car and had to leave. I gave her a reminder. "Umm... don't forget to at least erase the answering machine." She asked me why she'd have to worry about the machine. "Well, we just recorded a big long conversation about how you don't want your husband to know that you left. You told me where you were headed, why, and when. You might want to get rid of the evidence." She was speechless.

A week later, she came in and tried to open a new account. She was hand and hand with her husband, who rents a lot of movies. I recognized her last name, pulled up her account, and saw the $125 charge to her account for all the movies she had stolen. Being the wiseguy I am, I took the movies she had picked out and quizzed her on them. I asked her if she had seen a movie, and what she thought about it. (Wild Hogs, which was on the list of stolen movies.) She claimed that she had never seen it. I showed her the screen, told her she couldn't rent from the store until the fine was paid off, or the movies were returned. I added that I was glad she got everything worked out with her husband, and that she could now try to find the $125 in movies she owed. She blushed, and admitted that she had been, *GASP!*, lying about the divorce. (Can you believe that?) I told her that it wasn't a big deal, and that we just wanted our property back. She went home and got them. Problem solved. No purged amount, just some late fees.

Other people have claimed that they've given movies to friends, and that the "friends" have already returned them. One guy in particular is notoriously bad at returning movies, so he had his friend rent an expensive video game for him. Imagine the friend's surprise when he got called for a 10 day late fee on the game. "But Jason said he returned it!" We told him about the 12 outstanding movies and games that Jason had out, and how his account had been suspended for excessive late fees. Ever wonder why he had you rent the game for him? Hmmm....

Well, 30 days after that, Jason still had the game. Jason was supposed to get a visit from the cops. Jason got scared and returned the movie. Good move. People still don't understand that if they agree to something under their account that they are liable for it. Your name is on the movie, and its your responsibility. Its one thing to be late now and then, because life happens. There's not always time to watch a movie or bring it back. But for those people that never bring them back... that's a serious problem. Where's the responsibility? And some of these people have kids! Do they just not feed their kids when they don't want to? Or do they forget to? Its a sad, sad thing to deal with, and I'm tired of hearing one lame excuse after another.

Just do what the contract says

The Joys of Customer Service

As a college graduate, I work at a video store. This would frustrate many people, myself included, but I can still function. I'm not getting pulled down or slowly becoming insecure about my abilities. See, I'm a full blown optimist in times like these, and I'm only seeing improvements in all possible categories: Job satisfaction, utility, significance of work, income, etc.

This retail job has perks. Video rentals are 1/2 price, unless you're an amazing employee like me, who gets rentals for the next month completely free. But there's also opportunities to make extra money in the form of commissions. Help a customer save money with one of our many deals or movie packages, get a dollar. How cool is that? A reward for someone who looks out for others. But the best perk of all isn't mentioned in any handbook or training video or company mandated seminar. By the time I'm done, I'll have volumes of stories about the people that visit our store. Notice, I didn't refer to them as "customers", since many of the people come in to family video just to hang out. Or talk to someone. Or just watch the free movies that play on the 14 TVs around the store.

If you've read my past blogs about Lafayette, IN, you know that I can't stand the place. And for me, the geography means nothing. In fact, the deciding factor about a place is its people, its spirit, and the culture surrounding it. Perhaps Lafayette got screwed since I started in Cleveland. It has the Rock Hall, museums for art and science, sports teams, and it's residents have an air of confidence about them, despite the city's nickname of "The Mistake on the Lake." People truly love Cleveland. Lafayette... well, not so much. No unity, no pride, no culture. Just chain restaurants, spread out communities, and Purdue University in the middle. Now Meadville has two very distinctive cultures: The college crowd and the townsfolk. And the two are miles apart in terms of their attitudes.

The most noticeable difference is education. Higher education institutions are likely to attract more intelligent and book-learned people. The townsfolk don't really have these attributes. I can go on and on about the differences, but mainly the college crowd has more structure, discipline, pride, and confidence than the others. And its all a product of their past failures and successes. I have the feeling that not many of the Meadvillian lifers have had many successes, for whatever reason.

Let me make this blatantly clear: I like Meadville so far. And I like the people from both distinctive classes. I am, however, biased towards the college crowd since they are the most like me. So when I see the other group do something that I don't agree with, or find strange, I don't immediately add it to my list of things that I dislike about the other group. I just rack it up as a one-time occurrence of an individual that happens to be in that group. And I can make that difference because of how personal and intimate this environment is. People go out of their way to say "hello" to other people. They aren't afraid of interaction. Its really nice.

The whole point of this is to point out some of the craziness I've had at the video store, in just about the most roundabout, long-winded way I know how. So, let's cut to the chase.

We have a regular customer who rents a LOT of movies at one time. She's probably in her mid-30's, and she's a very likable person. But she's the stereotypical blond: All looks, no logic. She claims she never had a use for books or school, or anything like that. When she visits the store, she immediately asks about the movies that were recently released, which will drive a busy store employee nuts. (Basically, a guided tour around the store describing everything that's on the back of the movie box.) I overheard her asking someone the other day if they had seen a movie. "Az-alum. Have you seen it?" I scratched my head. I had never heard of that movie before. Az-alum? I walked over to where she was standing, and saw the movie title: Asylum. Like a mental ward. Oh boy.

This is something we run into a lot. People don't quite know what they're looking for, or sometimes how to pronounce it. But, as long as they're in the ballpark, we can deal with it. Perhaps that's why such a menial job requires a high level of problem solving skills.

A teenager came up to me the other day and asked if we had a game in stock for rental. (He didn't ask in that sophisticated of a manner, for the record.) He said he was looking for the game "Metalpod." I'm pretty savvy when it comes to video games, as I pride myself on my hand/eye coordination and have played my fair share of video games in the past... and present. So Metalpod didn't ring a bell. I told him that there wasn't a game called Metalpod. He insisted there was. "METALPOD! ITS CALLED METALPOD!" he said. I looked in the computer again. Nothing. I showed him the screen. No freakin Metalpod. I told him to go get the box for the game he wanted. He ran back to the game room, and gave me the box.

It was for METROID. Not metalpod. I pointed it out to him. Just to let you know, you can't name something in your head and expect other people to know about it. That's why there's a label and a title to things. I could call that book about the whale "Whale hunter man" but no one will know what I'm talking about until I call it "Moby Dick." See how that works?

So I have to constantly adjust my thinking to decipher what people want. It took me a solid day to figure out that "Road Hogs" was actually people looking for John Travolta's "Wild Hogs." The Potter? You mean Harry Potter. Asking about "The Four Surfers Movie?" You want the Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. And any combination of 4 numbers? (Like 1813?) Chances are good that they want "1408", the new Stephen King horror movie.

I propose that I get a dollar for every movie I find for someone with a mispronunciation or crazy title that's given to me. If that happened, I'd be able to retire by next Friday.

We also had something happen the other night which was a bit disconcerning. A lady walked in with 3-4 little kids, who just ran amok in the video store. This is a nightmare for someone who has to keep things in order. Add the fact that many of the movies are just barely perched on their ledges, and that's a recipe for disaster. So movies are off the shelf, in the middle of the floor, and placed on wrong shelves. But that's nothing. Apparently, one of the little girls "had an accident" on the floor in the middle of the store. Yes, a human child peed on the floor of the video store. With an audience. And someone had to clean it up. I'm not a parent, but if my kid peed on someone else's floor, I'd clean it up for them. But no. She left in a hurry, and pointed out that there was a smelly puddle o' urine on the carpet. Her advice: "Just get a paper towel, and step on it to pull out the stain."

Wow. Is this an indicator that I need a new job? Because I think so. While I'm a great alphabetizer, (and at making up words!), jumbled title figure-outer, and child pee extractor, I don't find pride or satisfaction from those activities. But I'll do them, because that's what we need right now until something else comes along. Until them, I'll record them here just to keep my mind sharp and perhaps to get a little chuckle out of whoever manages to read this. Believe me: there will be more. There already IS more. But I have to watch my free movies now. Next up: Martin Scorsese's award-winning "The Departations" and the story about Sparta, "450". (The townsfolk recommended those ones.)

Hiatus Broken

Over 1 month and no blogging. I know, I know. I've been trying to make this thing called "a living." Sadly, its far from my dream job.

No one goes to college to eventually become a video store clerk. Most of the skills for such a position are obtained between Kindergarten and 4th grade. If not perfected by then, these skills are offered in a repeat of said grades. If you've ever wondered what goes into being a video jockey, then allow me to give you some insight.

You need a command of the alphabet. Occasionally, people bring back videos, which need to be placed back on the shelves in a meaningful fashion. Since the Dewey Decimal system would be WAY too complicated for some people who make minimum wage, some genius decided that alphabetizing them would be sufficient enough. In order to master this aspect of a video clerk's responsibilities, one must be able to place an item in its correct place without singing the Alphabet song. (Which is the same tune as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", if you weren't aware.)

Also required is basic cash handling skills. Since there are only 3 price points, your change always ends in a few possible outcomes. (either .19, .25, or .45) There is a bit of variety, but in my time at the store I've found that these 3 outcomes are used over 95% of the time. Every now and then someone will get .98 in change, which throws everything into disorder as the cashier scrambles for 3 quarters, 2 dimes and 3 pennies. But that's as bad as it gets.

The final necessary element is aiming the cash register's scanner at the bar code. Believe it or not, some people can't aim the wide red light at the bar code, which causes an error. But, for tracking purposes and racking up late fees, this is an essential part of the operation.

That's about it. Yes, I push Hollywood movies temporarily onto others. I give suggestions and sell popcorn to them. I restock their movies and call them to tell them that their movies are late or missing or now considered stolen. Its not glamorous, exciting, or fulfilling. But it pays more than perfecting the buttocks indentation on the couch and watching Dr. Phil all day. So, I can get my bills paid. Hurray!

But job satisfaction is at an all time low. My co-workers are a great group of people, made up mostly of students from the local college. Of course, they're not going to be in these positions forever, as they will one day move on to a real job. Hopefully, I'll get to leave before they do. Its not that I hate my job. I just have much more to offer than my knowledge that P comes before Q and a good taste in movies.

I also have a problem with some of the movies that we offer to the customers. There is an Adult section, which is by far the bane of my existence. What's more awkward than having someone bring up a porn film to rent? Oh, wait... I know... someone bringing up a HUGE stack of porn films, thus planning out their entire week. Its really kind of sad to see, especially when someone mixes in kids' movies with them. Would someone really watch a marathon of Spongebob and transition into "Hitchhiking Teens" volumes 4-24? (We don't have volumes 1-3, so the continuity is all messed up. I bet it really upsets the people trying to follow the plot.)

So I'm not proud of it, but it beats the alternative of doing nothing. Plus, I"m getting recognized for what I'm doing. Apparently I've got that alphabet and scanner aiming thing down. That'll look good on a resume, right?

-Strong oral and written skills
-Amazing sense of humor
-Stunningly handsome, chiseled features
-Crackshot with a retail scanner gun

More to come, including how to give amazing customer service to an amazingly irresponsible customer base. Or, "How I got to conduct late calls to people with movies missing for over 25 days, and their amazing excuses."

The Single Life and the Store

My wife is out of town for a week, meaning I get to live quasi-bachelor life again. While I miss her, I still try to take advantage of this time alone and at least attempt to have fun. It gives me an opportunity to do things that wives frown on. (Well, not the deal breaker ones... but the things that I'd usually get a stern talking-to for even considering.)

Like shopping. Know what I enjoy doing at the store? When I'm shopping alone I like to immediately put a few boxes of Popsicles in my cart. It doesn't matter what kind- fudgesicles, pudding pops, variety fruit flavors... typically whatever is on sale and reasonable. I walk around with them in my cart and follow my list. I take my time, and without fail I always come across my target.

It's as good as a bulls eye. Its the big, race car themed shopping cart full of spoiled fucking brats... Vocal, drooling, whining undisciplined little monsters in a 5-sided cage. (Too bad there isn't a sixth side to keep them completely caged in. Mind you, this isn't your usual crying child. This is a clown car's worth of really loud and unruly kids. And pushing them around is a really flustered mom trying to keep her kids under wraps with the deadliest of motherly techniques: Counting. (ex. "If you don't sit your butt down by the time I count to three... one... twooooooo...) Its headache inducing all the way around. The sounds, smells, sights and psychological impact are all enough alone to ruin a shopping experience. That's when I go to work.

I reach for something in the general vicinity of the cart. I tell the kids that if they behave, their mom will buy them a nice box of Popsicles for the hot, hot day outside. I conveniently let her know that this brand, (I hold up the box), is on sale for $2. At this time, I've had the Popsicles in my cart for a good 20 minutes as I've been shopping. I then walk away, and prepare for the next phase.

I run my cart back to the frozen foods isle and place all my boxes of Popsicles in the front of the case. Later in line, I'll see the mom with all her little kids thinking about how wonderful the Popsicles will be. So... what's the point?

Well, in the worst case scenario, (from my perspective, at least), the Popsicles melt and refreeze. Have you ever seen a little kid eat a Popsicle? Then you know how messy it gets under normal conditions. Now imagine if the stick is covered in refreezed Popsicle... and multiply that by the number of kids. Little bastards covered in orange sugar liquid. Covering their hands and faces. Soaking into their clothes and pooling onto the floor. It would be just a huge mess. And maybe, just maybe, they'll touch the walls or furniture.

So I don't get to see the ensuing chaos, but I still get to see the effects of my scheming. Here are the results:

1.) It's instant gratification on my part. The kids shut up in the store because they're promised Popsicles. Its no secret that kids love Popsicles and are suckers for bribery. I get to enjoy the rest of my shopping experience in peace and quiet.

2.) The ensuing mess results in lots of grief for the parents, resulting in appropriate action. Since they didn't control their freakin' kids in an environment that wasn't theirs, (the store), they now have a big mess to take care of in their own place, meaning they'll probably me more driven to teach their kids to behave themselves. Teach your kids composure. I understand that everyone of all ages has a bad day, but I'm not going to buy that all 3 of your kids are misbehaving because they're all having bad days. What? Was Teletubbies a repeat? Did they kill off Barney? I'm not buying that crap, especially when it happens all the time.

So hopefully this leads parents to a) consider disciplining their kids and b) to reconsider having any future kids. The most effective form of birth control is watching a really out of control child. Hopefully this curbs any future impulses they have to produce the equivalent of mobile bullhorns with legs.

It might be a little underhanded, but I think its a proportionate response. After all, don't dish out the annoyance if you can't take it. Its also a lot more subtle that throwing boxes of condoms in their cart while they're not looking... although... the awkward explanation of what they are might be the kind of embarrassment these parents need...

Hmmm.... I'll have to remember that one for one of the cold winter months...

Giving Up on Life... err.. in the virtual world!

I've always regarded myself as a social person. I don't suffer from anxiety or shy away from groups. Hell, if you've seen my friends you'd know that I don't shy away from individuals or different people. (Or weird people, because we're all a little twisted in some way or another...) But for the past two years I've been partaking in something that many see as anti-social: The online role-playing game.

Yes, I will admit it. I played World of Warcraft. (Past tense.) I was one of those people that was absorbed into a make-believe world. I spent many, many late nights running through dungeons and bragging about my loot, (items obtained from killing things or completing tasks), and talking to people around the world with my little headset. It was the kind of thing I would typically make fun of another person for doing, yet I spent so much time doing it myself. At the last tally, my total playing time was over 85 hours over the past 2 years. Over 2 weeks straight of my life were spent playing a game.

As I usually do, I've been reflecting on my time spent playing Warcraft. Of course, this means that I'm giving it up. I'm done. Finished. Washing my hands of the experience. As I mentioned, I had a great time playing this game. (Past tense) It got to a point where the time I would have to spend to progress further was just too demanding. I have a wife who I love very much. I like to see her and interact with her from time to time. And I wasn't willing to give that time up for what was essentially pixels of a sword and nerd bragging rights. There is no end to the game, but rather an open story line that keeps getting expanded by software upgrades, which must be purchased. The initial game was about $39.99 plus $15 per month to keep your account active. In addition, each expansion pack is $25, meaning that Warcraft is costly in the economic sense.

I was drawn into the game by the scope of the entire thing. It was a huge new world with very few limitations. The social side of me was pleased with the number of like-minded people that I interacted with. These people turned into allies, and later teammates, then guildmates, and then online friends. We'd talk about all kinds of things on our voice-server, and even knew enough about each other to spread some inside jokes. But all of that ended when things got too demanding.

A big line was drawn when Blizzard, (The company behind Warcraft), released the first expansion pack. This separated the casual gamers from the "die hard, I have no life outside of this game" gamers. This put a huge fissure in the group I had been playing with, and therefore caused everyone to go their own way. The ones that stuck together were further separated by the speed of their achievement, and some unexpected real life twists. Either way, everyone ended up doing their own thing.

Just like in real life, a big group can accomplish more than individuals fending for themselves. Unfortunately, there is only a certain plateau that a single player can reach in the World of Warcraft. After that point, a player needs to group with up to 24 other characters to accomplish goals. Logistically, this can prove to be a worse nightmare than watching Star Jones wrestle Rosanne in a vat of mayo. (Not pretty.) Even worse, it can cause a lot of stress and hostility in something that is supposed to be a game. Last time I checked, games were a leisure activity, and therefore supposed to be fun. Well, it stopped being fun and became a chore. For three hours a night I'd be so anxious to get to the next checkpoint or boss or whatever... only to be disappointed that there weren't others that shared my drive to get further... but why? Why did it matter that we killed a certain fictional character? (Even sillier is the fact that the thing we killed would be resurrected in a mere 24 hours after we killed it, meaning we'd have to kill it all over again...)

I think the draw to this sort of game is pretty clear now. There are days when everything absolutely sucks: You get reamed at work, or don't get enough accomplished, or just have a shitty case of the Mondays. But, I could come home, leave all that stuff behind, and make progress that was psychologically significant. I could kill a big effin' dragon after I couldn't meet a customer's deadline at work. It was a victory amidst small failures. And when everything went well at work, it provided even more victories for an even bigger ego boost. It was fulfillment for minimal work... which was the exact opposite of what I was receiving at work in the real world. (No recognition, no honor, no fanfare. Just headaches.) It took no skill. It was nothing more that moving a mouse, hitting some number keys in a timely fashion, and clicking some more. Yes, a pigeon could do it. But for some reason, it was the most fun thing imaginable.

I have to say that I'm a little conflicted in giving up the game. I'd love to see what else is coming up, but I feel like I already have an idea. When the expansion was released, everyone was really excited to see the changes. Blizzard had made changes, but most of them were uninspired, poorly thought out, and were hasty fixes to release the new content on time. (Which they failed to do... there were many delays.) For example, many enemies were recycled by changing the name of the creature and the color. Creative, no? New dungeons were shorter, with little to no storyline. Successive weapons only improved by baby steps, meaning that reaching the apex of one's development was slowed by many minimal upgrades in weaponry.

In the long run, I'm sure this will be the right decision. There is a lot more that I can do with all my free time. I've been wanting to write more, and I've found that I would often sacrifice my creative energy to play on the computer. It was an effective output, but I have nothing to show for it. Perhaps now I'll be able to get some of my ideas on paper and turn them into something that will last... (At the very least, it'll be something for my kids to read. I guess...)

I wouldn't persuade anyone to avoid a MMORPG. They're really a lot of fun. But first measure what you'll be giving up to play this game, and really think about if it'll be worth it. Think about what all that time playing a game will get you in the end. Friends? Maybe. A bitchin' tan? Not unless you have a laptop. Girls? Not a chance buddy. But if you are really turning to a game to fix these issues, then you need to spend some more time around real people. Its easy to live a significant life in an insignificant world, but the easy way doesn't get you anything. Focus more time into the harder real world, and maybe you'll find some actual real treasure. Or a big effin' dragon.

So long Warcraft.

Blast From the Past IV: Our Generation's Legacy

(Originally Posted June 29, 2006)

Many times, I ask myself, "Hey Matt... (What?) ... What kind of an impression are we leaving on history as the 80's generation?" (What a great question!) I often wonder how my children's children will look back on the cultural progress and maturity of this day in age. What will be our 5th symphony...our defining work of cultural superority?

I've found the answer, and quite frankly, I'm scared. Lets focus on a very popular song that I've heard people absolutely rave about. It comes to us off of an album titled "A Girl Like Me." This performer hails from Barbados and is only 18 years old... Lets give it up for.... Rihanna!

(applause... as sarcastic as clapping your hands together can possibly be...)

The song is called "Unfaithful", and I've taken the liberty to not only give you the lyrics, but also to give you a quick side-by-side analysis of the fantasitc picture it paints for the future generations... that will critique us... in writing.... and compare us to the times of Elvis and Rock 'N Roll....

Comments will appear in parentheses...and in red.

Unfaithful, by Rihanna. (Hold your applause this time....)

Story of my life (All 18 years of it)
Searching for the right (the right what? Shoe? color of wallpaper?)But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
(She's saddened by something... I bet its her own dumbass fault...)

cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company (Yeah yeah... share your misery...Woe is me... I'm a rich popstar with a top 10 on the Billboard countdown)
Hes more than a man (He's part girl too? A transexual maybe?)
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue (He's in blue man group? ROCK!)
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true (See! I told you! Its her own damn fault!)

and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
(and he's still with you because....?)and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
(So... why don't you dump him to be with the other guy? Moron.....)
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer
(Side note: When she said this line, it sounds like she has marbles in her mouth... "a muhdaraaaaah")

I feel it in the air
(Phil Collins can too. Maybe he and Rihanna are related.)
as I'm doing my hair
preparing for another day
(Another day of your infedelity and murdering ways. Is this a soap opera??? I hope not... if she kills herself, the writers could still write her back in, but with a significantly less talented singer in her place. I wonder what Michelle Branch has been up to... )
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
as if I'm gonna be out late
(Well, drinking ,whoring, and deceit usually takes awhile...)
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
(*cough* *cough* *coughBULLSHITcough*)
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
where I'm about to go (The Jerry Springer Show?)
and we know it very well

cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying (Haven't we been over this already?)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer (MWAHDAHRAAAAAAAAH!)

His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
(Maybe, you should start with the gun to YOUR head. I'm sure his family would appreciate it...as would my eardrums.)
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
(THEN DON'T! YOU WHINY BITCH!)
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
a murderer [a murderer] (Muhdahraaaaaaaaah! Mahbahlaaaaaah!)

No no no no
(Obligatory No,no,no,no's)
Yeah yeah yeah
(Why can't she stop contradicting herself? She doesn't want to go, but is happy with another guy? She doesn't want to kill the guy everytime, but won't let him go. Now she just said "no" like 8 times...and starts saying YEAH YEAH YEAH! Make up your damn mind!)

What will this tell future generations about the way things were handled in the year 2006?

1.) Cheating happened all the time in relationships. (This is true)

2.) Complaining about things within your control also happened all the time, and sometimes in music form. (Thank the Sweet Lord that I haven't figured out how to play guitar yet... YET.)

3.) Even when simple solutions make themselves known, the generations of 2006 were too fucking lazy to implement them. If she would just break up with him, they could both go their separate ways and that would be the end of it. Well, until she realized she made a mistake, called him a thousand times to reconcile, only to be turned down... until the guy went out with his friends, had too much to drink, then drunk-dialed his cheatin' skank ass ex ho, and wakes up, butt-nekkid next to her in bed the next morning. Then the cycle of cheating/hiding the truth starts all over again. They also will probably get married and then quickly divorced.

4.) 2006 is when Men stopped being manly. A guy suspecting a cheating significant other in the 1960's would've given her a whatfor right to the curb. This guy watches it happen, doesn't say anything, and cries himself to sleep as his woman gets tag-teamed at the club. What a little bitch! Hey buddy: How about you grow a pair, tell her to get the fuck out, and move on to someone hotter who doesn't swallow marbles for a living?

5.) Rihanna and her other contributions, (Pon de Replay? WTF does that mean?), will prove that our taste sucks. Big time. And then the future people will see the pictures of a naked, pregnant Britney Spears, and they'll have all the confirmation of our poor taste that they'll ever need.

I believe that children ARE our future... But we're their past, so lets make them pay for all the laughing they're going to do at our mistakes. Let's triple social security funds for anyone who can't name 10 albums from the 80's, and sing at least one song off of that album. Yeah!

Blast From the Past III:Holiday Wishes from Lafayette

(Originally Posted December 12, 2006)

I went to the mall yesterday to finish shopping for Kate. The mall and I have a love/hate relationship. See, I have fond memories of huge Ohio malls, with diverse stores and chock'd full o' Christmas spirit. There were sidewalk sales and well-developed food courts.

Not so in Indiana.

To preface this entire thing, I'm a fan of consumerism. Hell, we live in America: land of overspending, busting credit card limits, and holidays that are paid for 12 months after they've passed. Debt consolodation and counseling are undoubtably American inventions. While such things are unwise, I still find the "going beyond one's means to make the holidays special" attitude to be a bit endearing. I however, do not encourage it.

I also don't encourage the jackassery that I see at the malls during the holiday seasons. Instead of goodwill towards each other, I see people pushing, shoving, and doing anything possible to get the best deal. (Sure, we've all seen it on the news, in cheesy present day holiday movies, etc... but its really different when you see it live. You do a double-take when it happens, and ponder how Mrs.-Everyday-Housewife learned how to deliver such a vicious clothesline.) It would be nice to see a little more courtesy in public, especially in front of kids. Unfortunately, I tend to see that the over-the-top spending and the jackassery tend to go hand-in-hand.

Yesterday, (back to the subject at hand!), while shopping for my wife, a lady was pushing her kid through the mall in the stroller. The kid, (which was a little girl), looked pretty big for her age, and was probably capable of walking. I'm not sure if the stroller was to contain the girl or to help mom along in her breakneck shopping. (After all, it was the 11th. ONLY 14 SHOPPING DAYS WERE LEFT! OH MY GOD, EVERYONE PANIC!) The lady was in a very noticable hurry, and had a pretty big collection of bags from assorted stores in the mall. She was weaving in and out of people as she pushed her way through the mall. As fast as a walker as I am, she easily passed me up, and met a roadblock of sorts just ahead of me. There was a couple blocking her way, walking at a much slower pace.

Well, Lady + stroller demon couldn't get around these people, so impatiently, the lady closed right up behind them. She belted out an impatient "Excuse me!", (I wish I could put some extra emphasis on the attitude she displayed here, but I can't do so in writing. I'm also unable to convey that kind of attitude with my voice, because I'm not THAT big of an ass), but the couple kept at their slow pace.

Enter stroller hellspawn. The little girl SCREAMS out "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" in one of the most annoying tones you can imagine. Everything about it was ugly: The shrieking, the tone, the absorbtion of the mother's attitude. I realized that I'd have to put up with not one, but two, generations of this lady's impatient nature. The mother cut to the other side of the mall, down a ramp, and into The Gap, probably to buy her little "princess" some overpriced overalls and a bucket hat.

Meanwhile, the roadblock couple discussed the event. The woman said something to the effect of "What a cute little girl. Wasn't she cute?" (Obvious sarcasm.) The man replied: "I ain't saying she's cute. I don't mess with kids. I ain't no pedestrian."

Attention people of Lafayette: Pedestrians = ok. Pedophiles = not ok. I guess those people were slower in more ways than one.

I quickly passed them, my head shaking the entire way out of the mall.

Blast From the Past II: Religous Intolerance Intolerance

(From January 9th, 2007)

Ok, so there are a lot of undesirable things about Indiana. As you can tell from some of my past blogs, I really don't like this place. (Not because its just not home, but there's no real spirit or vibrance here...) To add to my dislike of this place I'll introduce the following.

As I was walking around campus today, I noticed one of the workers, (no doubt a longtime Indiana resident), in a discussion with another worker. I caught the tail end of the discussion, but I at least got a pretty good idea of what they were talking about. Apparently, one of the staff members turned down a chance to go to a holiday party due to a conflict with a holy month. (Chances are that it was an Islamic Holy month.) Anyways, the Islamic staffer chose not to go because there would be food, and this month required fasting. Well, the two workers were very critical of this, saying that not going to the party was "stupid". In addition, one of the guys said something about him "having the wrong religion anyways."

Can you believe that? How can one person be so close minded about another person's beliefs? Its this kind of self-righteous, everything-I-do-and-think-is-correct mindset that makes me dislike Indiana more and more. At least they didn't mention their plans to forceably convert this worker in the middle of the party. (I really would've gone off then.)

Don't get me wrong: I'm Catholic. Catholics have been notorious for forcing their will upon other religions. (And there was that Inquisition thing too...) But that doesn't make it right. Who is to say who has the right and wrong perception of religion?

Here's how I see it: We're all different people. We all come from different backgrounds, different experiences, and different perspectives. Why can't we all have different perspectives on God? Where someone might see multiple deities, maybe I see different characteristics of God. (Like, instead of Ares, the God of War, I see it as God's Old Testament Vengeful streak.) Is is possible that we're all viewing the same thing, but perceiving it through our own respective filters?

While I haven't loved my past jobs, I have learned a lot from them. (And many of the lessons aren't just about paper management or how to fire employees.) In printing, I learned that everything is relative to the observer. (which is a very deep lesson to learn from something that doesn't seem overtly important.) I can't count how many times a client wanted text or a photo to be printed a certain color, only to be dissapointed at the outcome. They would request that the sky be Blue. Well, the printer's operator would adjust the machine to make it blue to their (the operator's) standards, which would NOT be the blue the client had in mind. The blue the client had in mind would be more of a lighter shade of blue. Apparently, not everyone perceives "blue" as the same color.

Now, as simplistic as colors are, could it be far fetched to say that intrepreting something as complex as a higher omnipotent being could lead to varying opinions and outlooks?

I'm not saying that any one religion is correct. Sure, I'd be biased to say that the Catholic view is correct and the only way to go. That's my religion of choice. That's what I think closest represents my views of God, or Allah, Shiva or Science, or whatever you believe in. Does that mean Catholocism is the end-all answer to what God is? No. Its an IDEA of what God is. (I recommend watching Dogma, you'll get it.) Now, that doesn't mean I think that other religions are wrong. Different cultures with different experiences will view things in different ways, and I accept that. But, I accept that because I know that I don't completely know what God is.
Here's what I know so far. There's something responsible for why we are here. There's something that causes things to happen. Its bigger than me. Its bigger than all of us. Its so big, that no one can completely comprehend it. I call it God, because as a human, I tend to simplify things to help digest the vast amounts of things that "God" has created and controls. That's how I see the overarching power. And its wrong, but its probably partially right too. I might never know which parts of my philospohy are correct, but does it really matter? Will I die, get to Heaven, and get a cookie because I was correct in believing that God made the earth in only 7 days?

Of course, the afterlife is a completely different subject. Maybe we can just agree on one thing: In life, don't be an ass to other people. Being nice is the way to be. But, don't let others take advantage of you, or hurt the people you care about. Nowhere does it say that the person that is more correct is holier than the one who was wrong.

Does it say anywhere in the Bible that the person who was right will get into Heaven? Sure, it says to believe in God, but it doesn't explicitly say WHAT to believe about God. I believe he's more powerful than me, because I can't create all of being.

And on the topic of the Holy Books: Since the Higher Being can't be completely and directly observed, doesn't it make sense that the true messages of these books can't be directly viewed too? Look at the Bible: Its intrepretive. People: Please don't take everything it says literally. There are lessons behind things like parables, which are the true morals of the stories. Sure, everyone can spout off the moral of "The Little Engine that Could", but they have trouble doing the same with books in the Bible. Try it out! There's some good stuff hidden in that old book. Try it with your respective Holy Books: I bet you find a lot more than you bargined for.
So, imposing your religious views is foolish. Imagine if we fought a war with China to make them see Blue in the same shade that we do. Do people really need to argue, suffer, and (most tragically) die over something that we can't prove? Or something that even if we could prove it, that we couldn't comprehend?

Assumptions about religion are dangerous. The most dangerous assumption is that you are 100% correct.

Those are my opinions. They're neither right, nor wrong. They're probably a bit of both.

Desperation From a Giant

Today was pretty boring. I pulled a few hooks out of the wall. There were a few TV shows on, but nothing that was blog-worthy. I decided to do something bold: I went out into the community. (Ok, it was just for lunch. I was hungry. Sue me.) With only a few dollars in my wallet, I quickly ruled out being anything but a dollar menu superstar. (I was really considering going to The Whole Darn Thing Sub Shop, which is really good for a local sub shop.)

When you're hungry in Meadville there's only one road you need to visit: Park Avenue. Park is home of just about every fast food place in creation. I took a quick drive down the street just to take in the options. Arbys, Long John Silvers, Subway, blah. Then, I saw the arches. It had been awhile since I'd had McDonalds. I always considered a craving for Mickey D's as a sign that my body secretly hated me, but I decided to indulge this time. Plus, a Big Mac Extra Value meal was only $3.99. It basically sells itself.

I've seen plenty of strange things on McDonald's menu. The McRib. The MDP, (which was named after Browns' Defensive Lineman Michael Dean Perry. It was 3 burgers, tons of bacon, and enough cheese to tide a Wisconsin resident over for a month. Nasty.) McDonald's even had pizza and burritos at one point. (And lobster in Maine!) But what I saw today totally baffled my mind.

The McBag of Ice.


No, really. Its a bag of ice. Now low bad does McDonald's quarterly earnings have to be for them to start selling ice? How long until they start selling McStacks of napkins? Or Mc-2ply toilet paper? I asked one of the employees about the sign, but only got a partial response. It was something about people always asking for more ice. Like someone is going to order a cheeseburger with a side of ice.

I can only imagine that this is extraordinary ice. The nutritional values are probably unusually high in sodium and fat, and probably don't provide significant amounts of any vitamins or minerals. It is most likely the only ice that could lead to a corinary. Right.

Lesson learned: If you're bored in Meadville, drive around. You're bound to find something to break the monotony.

An Open Letter to:

Dear Reggae Artists of the World,

I realize that what you do takes skill, dedication, and spirit, yet I can't help but ask you this question: What the hell are you saying?

I can distinctly make out the steel drums and your catchy club-thumping beats. I can make out parts of your chorus, but that's all. Ask me to decipher something from your verses. Hold me at gunpoint and make me recite the words you've "sung". I can't do it. No amount of pressure could help me. Is it English? Or is Reggae officially a completely independent language? Why is this news to me?

Creativity isn't something that comes easy in this life. The same holds true for hard work. Pairing the two together is, as you'd imagine, an even greater rarity. That is why both are devoid of existence in your genre of music. Let me inform you as to why this is so. For greater clarity, I will address issues with some of your more popular "artists" and their styles.

Reggae typically features a rhyming scheme. But typically the rhymes are facilitated by altering words so they magically sound alike. Singers like Rihanna will make words like "umbrella" and "other" come together. How? By changing the end of the word. Umbrelluh. Othuh. Forevuh. Come on, really. Don't be surprised when you get hit by a tomatuh. Don't pass it off as an accent either.

While we're at it, "eh" is not a lyric. Nor is moaning. It's true that the 2000's don't have the most insightful lyrics when compared to its elders, but Reggae is comprised of a LOT of nonsensical gibberish. How about this gem from "Little Miss Sunshine" herself. Ladies and gentlemen, Rihanna.

"Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh eh eh eh eh." That's a line. She wrote that as a lyric. If you're going to use any expression like "eh" or "ey", you better damn well be named James Brown. And you had better mean it. James was the Godfather of Soul for a reason: He didn't say "eh", he said "EEEEEEHHHHHHHHH!" and you knew what he meant by it.

I don't want to totally eclipse all the Reggae performers with this letter. Its true that Bob Marley was one of the greatest musicians who ever lived. But that's because Bob brought people together. He sang for causes, and people understood what he was singing about. It wasn't about having the "right temperature to shelter you from the storm" (since Sean Paul is such a great HVAC guy. He hooked up my central air conditioning.), or being suicidal from seeing too many beautiful girls. (because they only wanna do you dirrrrrr...Thanks Sean Kingston!).

All I'm saying is, can you be more coherent? Even Nirvana got the marbles out of their mouth for a FEW songs. And how about some substance? Do Bob proud and sing about something worthwhile. Isn't that what Reggae is all about?

Oh, wait. Its about smoking pot? Oh. Then it all makes sense. Disregard guys! Carry on, good job, and don't forget your eye drops and Cheetos. And stay the hell off of my lawn.

-Matt